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March 3, 2014 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

How to Grow a Respectable Beard: A Woman’s Perspective

For many men, a beard is a sign of wisdom and perseverance. Some men will even congratulate each other on their respective beard progress, remarking on the coverage, length and style. But do not be fooled into believing that men are the only people who openly discuss beard etiquette.

As a woman (this also applies to our queer male friends), the experience of sucking on facial pubic hair when going in for a pash is highly unpleasant. At long last, here are some femme tips on how to cultivate a respectable yet functional beard.


It is totally understandable that your chosen style of beard will not become apparent until a substantial amount of growth has occurred. Often the hair will also grow in certain places quicker and thicker than in others. Yet it is at this liminal phase between pre-beard and beard that the most effort should be made in styling one’s stubble. If possible, keep everything tidy and at a similar length to show that you haven’t just let yourself go after a bender at Law Camp.


Obviously, the hardest aspect of beard maintenance is style selection. Constraints on the styles available to each individual will vary depending on the location and speed of the growth. But if you are determined to embrace the Sainsbury ‘Stache even if it takes a month to achieve, then good gosh don’t let some Salient writer stop you!

However, when selecting the preferred style, it is an unfortunate truth that you will be immediately compared to famous men who have already paraded that same fashion in the past. To cope with this, I suggest picking a bearded person/character who you feel a particular connection with. Are you a Charlie Chaplin or a Hồ Chí Minh? (Note: either one of these still makes you a communist).


Using conditioner in your beard is thoroughly encouraged. Can you imagine the tender phalanges of a female exploring the curly locks which grow from your face? This sensual sensation will only be achieved if your beard is smooth, shiny and seductive.

Furthermore, anything that is not intentionally part of your beard – particularly around the mouth region – should preferably be trimmed away. Essentially, if you don’t want another human’s saliva in your beard, keep that shit short.


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