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March 17, 2014 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The Intrepid VC Guilford

Guilford breathed in deeply. “I love the smell of Uni in the morning… it smells like… What is that smell, Petersen?”

He was leaning back in his chair, feet on the partners desk in front of him (not that they were separate from the rest of him of course, they were still connected to his legs) and out of the window; he had been gazing at a cloud while the sun glimmered in his Aviators. Now he was giving Petersen a look of extreme distaste.

“Sorry sir, that was me,” said Petersen.

“Jesus Christ, warn me next time.”

“Yes sir.”

“I mean bloody hell Petersen, how are we going to infiltrate the student body if you go round bringing ya flatulence into everyone’s offices? It’s un-pro-fesh-nal.” He banged the desk with his fist. “But enough of that, what’s the sit-chu-ay-shun?”

“Casey has been looking for you.”


“From admissions.”

“Hmm… Casey from ad-mish-uns, I’m afraid it’s not ringing any bells, Petersen.”

“Some might call her spiteful and bitter, sir.”

“Ah yes! Casey, the spiteful and bitter woman from admissions, of course. She’s looking for me? Well, if you see her, tell her I’m not here.”

There was a sharp knock at the door. Petersen had scarcely reached for the handle when it burst open, revealing a pretty bitter (and spiteful) looking Casey.

“I want to talk to Guilford. Now.”

“He’s not here, I’m afraid,” said Petersen, quite convincingly actually.

“I can see him. He is literally right there. Behind you. In that ludicrous alligator chair.”

“Ack-shall-y, it’s technically crocodile skin,” Guilford added.

“Oh, so you are here now are you?”

“No, I’ve just popped out for a moment. Tell her, Petersen.”

“He’s just popped out for a moment.”

“See? I’m not here at all.”

“Look here, Guilford. I’ve got a major fucking issue to pick with you. Did you go behind my back and admit someone who barely managed to pass Level 1?”

“Only to Tourism, what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, Guilford, that we have a system in place for a reason. The Ministry requires University Entrance. For. A. Reason. You check with me first before making an exception to that system. Do you understand? This girl Arcadia-Rae. Why did you admit her?”

“Ah well, you see, y’know how we went to the Toga Party last week in search of our mole on the inside?”


For those just discovering Salient, and for those with short memories: I’ll remind you that VC Guilford’s plan to probe the student populace, for the betterment of education at Victoria, revolves around the recruitment of a non-partisan student to provide insider information on their wants and wishes.

Guilford continued: “Well that’s Arcadia-Rae. But it came to our a-tent-shun that she wasn’t even enrolled. You can’t have a mole on the outside. A mole on the outside is as good as no mole at all. So I arranged for her to be inside.”

Casey swore some more and slammed the door on her way out.

“There’s something about her, Petersen, I can’t put my finger on the word to describe it.”

“Spiteful, sir?”

“Yes, and er, ah…”


“That’s the one. Y’know Petersen, I’m beginning to think that attending the Toga Party was more trouble than it was worth. First of all, our mole wasn’t even a mole, just a rabbit running around the farm like the rest of us. Then I lost my toga and ended up in the nudz while escaping via the balcony. Lucky you got taken away by that bouncer, Petersen.”


“The Chancellor rang me to tell me my conduct was object-shun-a-bul, so to speak. I told him we were looking for a mole on the inside, he told me he’d heard you could find at least three on my arse. On top of all that, Petersen, I haven’t heard a bloody word from her since. You don’t think I’ve driven us up the wrong dog’s arsehole, figure-a-teev-lee speakin’?”

“Well sir, I might suggest that we—“

“God damn it, I know what you’re going to say Petersen, and you’re right. We have to continue forward with the operate-shun whether we want to or not. I’ve got a new plan: phase two. I’ve added Arcadia-Rae on Facebook under the pseudonym ‘Joshy Boy Josh’. We’re bound to get some gold out of her this way. Come have a look Petersen, she’s online now.”

Guilford started a chat with Arcadia-Rae:

– Hey

– Hey

– Wats up?

– Nm, just getting ready to go 2 shops, you?

– Gud shit lol, nah im not up 2 much aye.

– Do I know you?

– Nah nah lol just thought id add you haha. Say, do you have any information on the student body? [emoji]


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