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May 26, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone | [ssba]

The Bone Zone

“It’s just, ahhh, a little crush…”

So said Jennifer Paige in her opus on the human condition: 1998’s smash hit ‘Crush’. Everyone loves a crush. The loaded invitations for coffee. The butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. The tantalising hints of what could be…

I had a crush once. He was beautiful. A moderately well-known Wellington personality, he was not so well-known so as to be out of my league, but well-known enough that it wasn’t weird that I knew his name and what he looked like with his shirt off despite our never having met. It started, as all crushes do, rather innocently. Single, bored, and lacking any other promising leads, I was on the lookout for someone to fill the gaping crush-shaped hole in my life. A crush, I reasoned, would give me a romantic raison d’être in the otherwise barren land of singledom. He was unattached, good friends with people I knew, and just happened to work locally too. There was, therefore, a small chance something could eventually happen, but given that I hadn’t even met him yet, I was safe to merely crush from afar for as long as I wanted.

What began innocently, of course, soon spiralled out of control. I made strange excuses to pass by his workplace, spending more money there than was advisable, given my poor financial situation at the time. I fabricated personality traits for him that I had no idea whether he even possessed, but was sure – in my heart – that he did. What was meant to be a fun and flirty distraction had soon become a receptacle for all my hopes and dreams.

In short, he was my perfect man, and yet, he didn’t even know my name. My crush had consumed me. It had taken over my life, and it had to be stopped. And thankfully, it eventually did. Unfortunately, not before I had decided it would be a good idea to build a shrine for him inside my wardrobe, but fortunately, before I decided it would be a good idea to tell him I had built a shrine for him inside my wardrobe.

I realise, dear readers, that at this point you’re probably thinking I am completely insane. And I absolutely was. So let this be a cautionary tale: crushes can be great, but they can also ruin you.

 Don’t get me wrong: those fleeting feelings of excitement at the start of a possible romance are exhilarating and completely natural. But they should be exactly that – fleeting. Left to linger, a crush can quickly turn into an unhealthy obsession. Slave to your unruly emotions, you will put your crush on an impossible pedestal of amazing; won’t be able to remember a time when your day wasn’t scheduled around talking to them, and will become blind to all the other (and probably better) potential romantic interests that are right before your very eyes.

A crush on its own is useless. Sure, it’s fun to be infatuated for the first wee while, but infatuation on its own ain’t gonna get you anywhere. No matter how many times you draw their name in love hearts on your tutorial handouts, it won’t change your chances of turning this dream into a reality. If you like someone, the only way things will happen is if you actually do something about it – introduce yourself; get to know them; flirt with them; ask them out, or just tell them how you feel.

If your crush is explicitly unrequited, however, then you just have accept that – for now at least – their mind is made up. That’s not to say this situation won’t ever change, but the chances of it changing when you’re still very much into them but think you’re playing it cool when the only difference between then and now is that you’ve dropped the ‘x’ from the end of your texts is very unlikely. If the life you’re living is one dedicated to making them change their mind or making them jealous, then it’s one barely lived at all. By all means, go out and pash all the hotties in da club, but do it because you want to, not because you want someone else to want you.

Don’t let those crushes get you down,
Cupie xx

Quickie of the Week:
I want to try out tindr but at the same time I’m afraid someone I know will find me. What should I do?
Oh honey, you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about! Of all the things it’s done to the dating world, one really positive thing Tinder has achieved is destroying the notion that online dating is only for sad old people and weirdos. Put it down to its ease of use, its fun and friendly interface, or just how goddamn quick it is to set up an account, Tinder has made the whole process so chill it’s more drinking game than dating app. Half the fun is finding people you know and then using Tinder to chat them instead of wasting your txt allocation for the month. If you’re really that worried, you can always just say your mates made the profile for you when you were drunk. So go on, get swiping!

Tip of the Week:
Whether it’s because you’re in the throes of a one-night stand you’re beginning to regret and just want to get it over and done with, or you’ve been going out with someone for so long that you’ve got sex down to a fixed routine, foreplay is far too often overlooked in the bedroom. Foreplay – whether it’s smooching, cuddling, stroking, hand jobs, oral, or a tasty combination thereof – is often considered merely a necessary entrée to be endured until you’re wet/hard enough to move on to the main course of banging. And this, my dears, is a travesty. Foreplay is fucking awesome, and is more than capable of being totally satisfying on its very own – but not if we treat it as merely going through the motions. Enjoying and making the most of whatever it is you like to do pre-coitus will ensure that you are both relaxed and fully turned on, which studies show makes for 69 per cent more-mind-blowing sex.

Sexual Connections:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously at

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.



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