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September 27, 2015 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The Moan Zone, feat. Philosophy Girl

This week is the opinion issue. But for us at the Moan Zone, every week is the opinion issue. Our flat is indisputably the closest thing to a frat house in Wellington and its inhabitants could easily be close relatives of the Stifflers. This has resulted in a slightly two-dimensional literary contribution this past year in our beloved humour column. So we took it upon ourselves to invite one of our dear friends to be a special guest Moaner.

So here are some thoughts from our friend who may actually make you laugh, and if that fails, at least she may actually provide you with some sustained insight—something we have never been able to do. We have faith in her ability to entertain you, at least until your lecturer starts talking or your overpriced flat white is ready.

Please welcome her to the stage,

Tom and Luke


Philosophy. Constantly referred to as the drop-kick subject of any university. Any brave student will tell you that studying it can sometimes feel like a full time job of justifying what it is you even do.

And I get it. I’m sure those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of trying to unravel “The Big Questions” probably imagine all of us sitting around in a joint-hopping circle eating kale chips while some dude named Blade plays guitar in the background. And although I’m not fully confident in saying that isn’t true, hopefully this list gives a bit of insight into the problems we philosophy students have to endure. Not for sympathy purposes (altruism has that covered) but purely because they suck.

  1. Constantly questioning your existence. Is that book red? Is your red the same as my red? If you take a flexed gym selfie and don’t post it to Facebook, do you even lift? Basically, once you get into the deep web that is philosophy, you’re always going to be that paranoid friend who seems like she’s trippin’ sacks all the time. Because how can you ever be fully sure that you’re not just a brain in a vat somewhere?
  2. Our lecturers are always late. On top of that, their over-sharing is more cringe-inducing than having your friends pull up 2010 Facebook statuses. Marriage problems, kid problems, sexual fetish preferences (it happens). Yep, listening to your philosophy lecturer bitch about their life instead of teaching you is like listening to that girlfriend you had in high school who never put out.
  3. There will always, always, be one girl in your class that gets angry enough about everything to resemble Brick in his “I love lamp” Anchorman scene.
  4. You become so good at logic that everyone starts to hate you for it. Both a blessing and a curse, students who take one logic class are much like those first-year kids who think they’re already lawyers. Moral of the story: don’t start an argument with a philosophy student about anything remotely pointless because chances are we already know everything about it.

In summary, while identifying as a metaphysical solipsist might sound deep on your Tinder profile, in reality you’re probably best to steer clear unless you know what you’re getting into. Not only will we never get jobs, but last week we had to do a group therapy sesh after questioning whether our parents truly love us or are just biologically inclined to… so give us a break, yeah?

Yours equivocally,

Philosophy Girl

Tom and Luke are Salient’s resident dudebros. We don’t know who Philosophy Girl is but she sounds a lot smarter than either of them.


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