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February 28, 2016 | by  | in Features | [ssba]


Before astrological signs, before the Chinese zodiac, before Delphic oracles, what did people consult when predicting the future? What they studied at university, of course:


This is the year that the great New Zealand novel is going to be penned. But by who? By you? Perhaps. Maybe. Conceivably. Perchance. But first, beforehand, earlier, prior to that, you need to invest in what automatically makes one a great writer—a thesaurus. But wait, stop, pause, what’s this? Someone’s stolen, filched, swiped, bagged the only thesaurus left in town! If only you knew who…


A big year for physicists. Quite literally. In your studies you will make a huge breakthrough and discover a way to not lengthen time, but to widen it. Yes, somehow, you will manage to bump up the BMI of every 24 hour day, making it no longer than 24 hours, but definitely wider. Your time widening discovery will make you a very rich person, and therefore a very happy person.


The year begins with a rocky start, with most people not liking you because you have that insufferable law student thing going on. You don’t mind though, because you’re soon going to be a hotshot lawyer like Ally Mcbeal. You will also find yourself becoming irrelevant, much like an outdated television reference that no one gets. To remedy this, repeatedly remind people of all the readings that you have to do and just how terribly difficult your degree is, make some ‘waah-waah’ noises too.  


Smoke. A lot of smoke. Perhaps from smokers, perhaps a certain eye makeup technique. But where there’s smoke, there must be fire. You’ve started a fire. Why have you started a fire? Oh god, you’re going to burn down the entire campus because you were making popcorn with a Bunsen burner. Congratulations. Every student is going to love you very much, except, sadly, for the one student that you love very much.

Media Studies

A chemistry student will try to woo you by making popcorn for your lecture/movie watching class. Unfortunately, a terrible accident will befall them and you won’t ever see them again. Fortunately, you weren’t at all interested in them in the first place. You know who you will be interested in? Someone else in the science faculty, and the romance will involve a lot of worms.


Things will go very well between you and a media student. But just as you think that they could be The One, something gets between the two of you. You can’t quite put your finger on it. It’s because the ‘something’ keeps moving. Suddenly there are a lot of somethings. You can’t even see your media lover anymore. After time you will realise that they are in fact under a pile of squirming worms. Please remember to properly close lids this year.

Political Science

Ooh you think you’re clever don’t you—sneaking “science” into your degree title while doing a BA. You’re so clever you could probably get away with not going to the majority of your lectures, not owning a laptop, or having a flat. But why stop there? Push the boundaries of what you can get away with. Never recap a Sharpie. Never tie your shoelaces. Never bend a bendy straw. You’ll be amazed at what happens next.


It’s hard to know what is emptier—the degree that you’re pursuing or the hole in your heart. Yes, something is definitely missing this year, but what? Love? No. You’ve already learnt to replace that with dairy products. Gloves? Also no. You bought that surprisingly nice pair from the Warehouse last winter. Dove? Several doves emerging from your waistcoat? Yes! It is clear that commerce is merely a façade you’re using to hide your one true passion: amateur magic. Why else would you study such an uninspiring topic?! No-one will suspect a thing!


Clothing appears prominently in your forecast for the year. In particular, pants. Further in particular, fancy pants. That’s right fancy pants, you are still not tired of telling people that you spend all day playing the harp, but be sure that everyone else is tired of hearing it. Why don’t you try talking about other things at parties this year fancy pants? Also please stop calling parties ‘soirees’.


It’s no coincidence that the building you spend all your time in is the colour of blood. Yes that’s right, this year you are going to be menstruating a lot. A heavy flow for everyone. Even if you have a penis. It’s going to be a hella weird year. Work with your strange, perhaps newfound, ovaries by incorporating sanitary pads and tampons into your designs, either as a modelling material or as an abstract concept. Just don’t be too literal.


You too, reside in the red coloured building full of menstruating architecture students. But for you, red represents not blood but tomatoes. Yes, tomatoes, that crazy vegetable-fruit. They have been sorely neglected in previous years of your life but now is the time to fully embrace them. Collaborate with tomatoes, snort powdered tomatoes, make a sex toy out of tomatoes. Just be careful not to get any tomato juice on your overpriced monochromatic outfit.  


Isn’t it funny how your education is education. No, not really, and neither are you. It is very important that you somehow become much funnier this year. You could try watching more comedies, or incorporate a funny hat into your wardrobe. When that inevitably fails, accept your complete lack of humour and write regularly for your university magazine.



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