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April 17, 2016 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

My First Ex Boyfriend

When a relationship ends, there are always unanswered questions.

Clear communication upon a breakup is a popular way to prevent prolonged wondering over what-ifs. Another way is to wait years and years and then interview them:

DREW is currently in Ica, Peru, posing as a medical student. SHARON is currently in Wellington, New Zealand, posing in general. Six years ago they started dating. Four years ago they stopped dating. Drew was Sharon’s first non-imaginary boyfriend.


Can you please introduce yourself to the readers?

Hi guys, I’m Drew. I dated Sharon a while ago, we’re really good friends, she’s a cool one.

How was dating me overall? Was it a recommendable experience?

Definitely would recommend, choice of movie and food impeccable.

Thank you! I also think you have great movie choice but food not so much.

Yeah you definitely lead the food charge.

What was the worst part and best part of dating me? Also I’m realising these questions are very self indulgent, was I this self indulgent when we were together?

Worst part: when you decided to move to Wellington and become a damn hipster. Best part: you give a downright fantastic back massage. No you weren’t at all!

I think the relationship we have today is probably the best relationship with an ex that I know of out of my friends. Would you agree?

Would agree 100%.

Would you like to let the readers know what the secret to a good relationship with an ex is?

Shit, umm. Probably really really like and share a bit in common with the person you are to become an ex to? Sorry, no very interesting “doctors will hate you” secrets. But also differ on enough that you can irritate the hell out of them if you so choose to do?

Yes you’re quite good at that. Where do you see us in ten years?

Yeah, but you’re better. Oh wow, tough one. I can’t see anything in ten years. A scary life of very polite coffee dates and well poised questions about nothing? No, you are always getting into fascinating little tangents of everything and telling me all about them. Also, dog memes.

Was there anything you never told me when we were together?

Ummmmm. Wow that’s a hard one. That I never liked Simon and Garfunkel? But I do now, so its superfluous?

Our entire relationship was built on a lie.

Hahahahaha. But wow, isn’t that so romantic—pretending to like Simon and Garfunkel for someone. I didn’t dislike them or anything. Just pretended to be way more positive about them than I actually was.

Suuuper romantic. What do you think was the highlight of our relationship?

Having sex during the second third of A New Hope.

Do you think if we were to meet for the first time today that we would date?

Of course.

Are you sure?

Well actually I don’t know, I’m probably way more of a dickhead now.

Probably. What do you think the lasting legacy of me upon your life was?

The lasting legacy?

Yes, e.g. I think yours on mine was that you were very formative for almost all my cultural taste like music, books, art. Which are all very important to me.

Perhaps a drive to pursue more sophisticated avenues of art appreciation and music.

You described it way better, exactly the same. Very very formative for cultural taste. Well I guess I owe you lots for that, sorry for becoming a bit of a bogan now.

What was this interview experience like for you?

Umm good? I was very scared of becoming upset, but that hasn’t happened yet!

That’s good! I’m glad you are not upset. Do you have any questions for me?

Umm no, I don’t. But I do have something I want to admit.

Well what better place to admit it than through student media.

The reason I was acting so weird when we went out for dinner before Star Wars 7 was because I was reamed on mescaline. Sorry lol.

Oh my god is that why your tummy was so upset?

Yes, also the noodles were squirming for too much for me to be comfortable eating them.

I see. Ah well there were more noodles for me.

Always a bright side huh.

Yes. Much like the bright side to us no longer dating which is ______?

I can be comfortable acting like way more of a sack of shit without worrying so much about what you think of me. It’s great. And you?

Oh there’s not enough time for that. I’ll tell you when you’ve got a spare 1000 years.

Of course. You sneaked out of that one well.

Yes I always do. Just like how I sneaked out of our relationship!

Sharon, always the comedian.

Ha ha ha. Thank you for your time Drew.

You are very welcome Sharon.


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