So in spite of all your making out in clubs, and sultry eyes across a tutorial room, you end up home alone wondering why you are/aren’t falling in love. Well don’t worry, it’s not your fault — Venus is in retrograde. This means we reassess old things (i.e. fuck our exes) and shouldn’t start anything new. So embrace your Venus and send that 2am “u up?” text to that person you shouldn’t. Venus made you.

The signs’ lovemaking tunez:

Fire: Mario’s “Let me Love You”

Earth: Mariah Carey’s “#Beautiful”

Air: Blink 182’s “I Miss You”

Water: Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler”

 

Aries: March 21–April 19

Venus is retrograding in your sign, so she is really going to be getting to you. Specifically, you can expect new love, but it’s probably not going to be that great or long-lasting. We are sorry.

 

Taurus: April 20–May 20

You are fertile af, so pop on down to student health (or the bar at Ivy) and get yourself some protection! Expect to find love in spiritual places, so god bless you all.

 

Gemini: May 21–June 20

Oh god no, if any star sign is going to sleep with an ex it is you guys anyway. Venus retrograde + your open nature = nostalgia for past loves.

 

Cancer: June 21–July 22

Oh Cancer. This is going to be a month of volatile love for you; we are talking average at best. Since you are so alone, use this time to date yourself. In a cool fun way, not a sad way…

 

Leo: July 23–August 22

It’s a month of new relationships for you, with either another person or your values. So just ignore that bit at the start where we said you shouldn’t do that, I’m sure yours will work out just fine…

 

Virgo: Aug 23–Sep 22

Virgo? More like Vir-GO get ‘em tiger. It’s not a time for relationships or love, but it doesn’t matter because you will be too busy getting it on to notice.

 

Libra: Sep 23–Oct 22

Your extra energy this month means you are likely to find love in a sporty kinda place, Libra! So #throwback to the skills you learnt at high school and score a goal (of love).

 

Scorpio: Oct 23–Nov 21

It’s your time to shine this week! You’ve got until the 21st to have as much light-hearted (read: kinky) fun as possible, because it gets a bit boring after that.

 

Sagittarius: Nov 22–Dec 21

You won’t be making any romantic alliances in the near future so you might as well embrace Venus’ influence and call up some old “friends” for quick booty, because we all know you are too busy for anything else right now/ever.

 

Capricorn: Dec 22–Jan 21

This month you are more likely to cheat, whether that be on a partner or your values. So avoid ex-lovers, new lovers, Young Nats… we all know you are better than that.

 

Aquarius: Jan 22–Feb 19

Aquarius, it is time for you to fuck shit up. Venus says it’s time to experiment, whether that be with the same person, or a different one, or no person. Kia kaha.

 

Pisces: Feb 19–Mar 20

Pisces, now is the time to get with your friend. If you have no friends, then the stars also recommend that you indulge in “sensual healing,” so you go do your sensual thing.

[ssba]