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February 26, 2018 | by  | in *News* | [ssba]

Entire Act Party Caucus to Appear in Dancing with the Stars

In a bid to prove his mettle to the ACT Party’s 0.5% voter base and the taxpayer population at large, David Seymour has announced that he will compete in Three’s upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Tolerance is a core value of the ACT Party Vision, and it is New Zealand’s tolerance that will be tested every week as the show goes to air sometime in the next few months.

Wildly unsubstantiated rumour has it that the 12 professional dancers who will be partnering this season’s Stars are currently amid negotiations as to who will draw the short straw, so to speak, and partner Seymour. The ace up his sleeve: no one in good conscience can say no to Kidsline, a telephone counselling service for kids, and Seymour’s charity of choice – even in the face of roughly fifteen hours a week trying to maintain eye contact with the notoriously dead-eyed party leader.

A testament to the truly unshakeable confidence of a mediocre white man, an admitted lack of anything resembling rhythm hasn’t deterred the Epsom MP. Correctly identifying that “there is a ‘beat’ in music and that there are ‘steps’ you have to learn before you dance,” Seymour distinguishes himself as a contender to be reckoned with.

Rodney Hide – former ACT Party Leader and someone who I like to imagine David has, on more than one occasion, accidentally called Dad – has also graced the DWTS stage, dropping his partner Krystal Stewart and receiving the worst score in the history of the show. Power to David, the bar is so low even he might be taller than it.


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