An in-depth and hard-hitting journalistic investigation executed by Salient has uncovered that VUWSA President Marlon Drake is but a peppy 20 years of age. In no particular order, a list of 20 things that the not at all existentially-fraught and bitter twenty-somethings in the Salient office have judged to be older than young Master Drake:

• Former VUWSA President Rory Lenihan-Ikin’s moustache

• The soy milk sitting in the Salient fridge

• The course outline for most 100-papers

• The insulation in most Wellington flats

• Old cans of VB sitting next to my bed

• Ciggie butts stubbed out by former Salient editors outside the Hunter Building

• Winston Peters’ bottle of office scotch

• The 1079 unread emails in my inbox

• The Wellington rental crisis

• Harvey Weinstein’s career of sexual assault

• Sir Geoffrey Palmer’s entire wardrobe

• The razor in my shower that is growing mould and appears to have been there since before I moved in

• The most recent Windows update

• Bitcoin

• The stain on my couch from when my flatmate vomited on it in first year

• South Sudan as a country

• The four most recent Gucci Mane mixtapes

• The bottle of 2015 Vintage Merlot that the Salient Chief News Reporter slugged back with alarming speed as he contributed to this listicle

• The new Victoria University science building

• Jacinda Ardern’s baby