An in-depth and hard-hitting journalistic investigation executed by Salient has uncovered that VUWSA President Marlon Drake is but a peppy 20 years of age. In no particular order, a list of 20 things that the not at all existentially-fraught and bitter twenty-somethings in the Salient office have judged to be older than young Master Drake:
• Former VUWSA President Rory Lenihan-Ikin’s moustache
• The soy milk sitting in the Salient fridge
• The course outline for most 100-papers
• The insulation in most Wellington flats
• Old cans of VB sitting next to my bed
• Ciggie butts stubbed out by former Salient editors outside the Hunter Building
• Winston Peters’ bottle of office scotch
• The 1079 unread emails in my inbox
• The Wellington rental crisis
• Harvey Weinstein’s career of sexual assault
• Sir Geoffrey Palmer’s entire wardrobe
• The razor in my shower that is growing mould and appears to have been there since before I moved in
• The most recent Windows update
• Bitcoin
• The stain on my couch from when my flatmate vomited on it in first year
• South Sudan as a country
• The four most recent Gucci Mane mixtapes
• The bottle of 2015 Vintage Merlot that the Salient Chief News Reporter slugged back with alarming speed as he contributed to this listicle
• The new Victoria University science building
• Jacinda Ardern’s baby
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