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March 26, 2018 | by  | in *News* News | [ssba]

Kendall Jenner “Coming Out” Interview Stretching US Unpacking Services

A recent Vogue interview with Kendall Jenner included “revelations” the model is in fact “straight”.

Subsequent articles detailing Jenner’s “coming out” have produced an excess of issues to unpack, causing widespread problems across US Federal Unpacking Services.

Federal None of Your Business, Sounds Like Fetishisation but Okay, and It’s Fine if You’re Queer but Could the Cis-Hets Settle Please Unpacking Facilities are commonly used in such circumstances.

Jenner’s most recent interview, however, has swamped these and other facilities.

Faced with an unexpected number and complexity of issues to unpack, Chair of the Federal Unpacking Committee Andrea Alexander announced a dedicated fleet of cargo vessels would be used to deal with the situation “properly”.

“We will be shipping to Government facilities throughout the US, as well as to private contractors, and facilities in Canada and the UK.”

“We’re also shipping to specialist facilities to deal with more complex issues.”

“These include the Coming Out Rhetoric is Generally Problematic, That’s Not How This Works (Structural Oppression Division), and These Clickbait Titles Misrepresent the Original Statement Which Reflects Needless Queer Erasure Facilities.”

The Chief Scientist on the Federal Unpacking Committee said he expected 90% of unpacking to be completed by this Friday, and 99% by the Tuesday afterwards, unless challenges arose.

In particular, “angry white men, Kendall stans, wilful ignorance, and a general atmosphere of being a shithead” are likely hurdles.

Alexander said that the Committee was familiar with and prepared to handle these hurdles.

As of publication, 70% of issues had been unpacked, slightly behind schedule.

Jenner could not be reached for comment.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*


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