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June 5, 2018 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

“fuck off you have an opinion on everything”

While I have gained a bit of a reputation for being opinionated, I do have an attention span best suited to 280 characters. Bearing in mind that I have never once in my life been wrong, these are the hills that I am willing to die on:

  • Sweet things should not be served with dinner. Sweet potatoes? Get the fuck away from me. Mango in a salad? I’d rather participate in a tutorial. Pork and apple? Chicken and cranberry? Duck and orange sauce? Go fuck yourself.
  • Jersey Shore: Family Vacation is the greatest cinematic masterpiece of our generation.
  • The best possible thing for the planet would be a deadly plague that predominantly targets men (obviously), white people (naturally), and the Chinese (China is the largest emitter of carbon dioxide in the world. They’re also leading the world on climate change research apparently but I never promised that these opinions would be well formed). Also people who get into arguments on Stuff Facebook posts, but they’re probably covered by the first two categories.
  •  Marama Fox being voted off Dancing with the Stars was a hate crime.
  •  Shangela losing to Trixie Mattel in RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 3 was also a hate crime.
  •  The only Mike Hosking segment worth watching would be one in which he shits himself to death on live television.
  •  Plaiting someone else’s hair is more intimate than giving them oral.
  •  Posting more than one picture of your baby on social media per week should qualify as being in violation of community guidelines.
  •  Don Rowe, author of The Spinoff’s “The New Dunedin Sound”, deserves a year in journalistic exile for every boring white man featured in the article.
  •  Craft beer is shit and if you enjoy craft beer you are also shit.
  •  Co-ed high school P.E. classes are a thinly-veiled form of corporal punishment.
  •  If screaming kids are permitted on planes, stress smoking should be too.
  •  If you have “barbell connoisseur” in your Tinder bio or if one of your pictures is you carrying a dead boar on your back, you are without a doubt compensating for a) having a shit personality, and/or b) having a small penis. That’s not even an opinion that’s just Science.
  •  If you’ve never licked someone else’s asshole you are weak and won’t survive the winter.
  •  I do not support any form of state-mandated sterilisation, except in cases of those people whose contribution to a lecture or seminar is “well, not exactly a question per se, more of a comment, an observation, really”.
  •  You’re not Involuntarily Celibate, you’re a cunt.
  •  Political disagreements should 100% make or break friendships. Should Pineapple Go On Pizza (no) and Golden Retrievers Are The Best Kind Of Dog (yes) are viable topics of friendly contention, Which Genders Are Real and Are People On Welfare Just Lazy are not.
  •  Going off your meds for two days prior to a sexcapade so that your sex drive comes flooding back in time to get laid is a perfectly acceptable form of self-care.
  •  Going off your meds for two days in order to spend a day in bed drinking red wine and furiously masturbating Samantha Jones style is also a perfectly acceptable form of self-care.
  •  Going to the gym is not an adequate substitute for having a personality.
  •  Kinda like South Korea requires male citizens to complete two years of compulsory military service, New Zealand should require all citizens to complete two years of compulsory employment in the hospitality industry. Maybe that way you won’t be such a raging bitch to your barely-scraping-by minimum-wage barista, Karen.
  •  There is a direct correlation between being a National Party supporter and being bad at sex.

For more opinions that you didn’t ask for and don’t care about, follow me and/or Kanye West on Twitter, @nicehaah and @PushaTMyRideOrDie respectively.


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