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August 13, 2018 | by  | in *News* Splash | [ssba]

The Lifsticle (Lift Listicle)

When the library lifts first broke:

• John Key was PM
• Jacinda Ardern was just a popular backbencher with great teeth

• Barack Obama was President of the United States

• Brexit was new, but going nowhere fast

• The ACT Party was floundering in the polls

• The University promised to have the lifts up and running as soon as possible

Since then:
• New Zealand has had no fewer than four (count them) different Prime Ministers
• Jacinda Ardern has moved from backbencher to party deputy to leader of the Opposition Prime Minister to not Prime Minister and back to Prime Minister again. Her teeth are still great
• A former reality TV star, ardent admirer of Russian autocracy, and one-time pee enthusiast is President of the United States

• Brexit has gone nowhere fast

• The ACT Party has floundered in the polls
• The Vice-Chancellor, noting the lack of access for the disabled in the academic heart of the university, and other serious problems facing the student body as a whole, seeks to change the name of the university to make it all better, because prestige, that’s why.

• Able-bodied Kelburn students and staff have developed better calves than any team of athletes in the country thanks to all the stairs
Spicy hot takes on what the world will look like when the lifts are up and running again:
• Every New Zealander will have been Prime Minister at some point
• Jacinda Ardern will be gone from this plane of existence; only her great teeth remain
• After taking advantage of an overlooked constitutional loophole, Vladimir Putin will be President of the United States

• Brexit will still be going nowhere fast
• In a shock turn of events, The ACT Party will take home 100% of the vote and David Seymour will be made Prime Minister For Life after he threatens the nation with a Dancing With the Stars return
• What was once Victoria University of Wellington will have changed its name for the 451st time; the boys in marketing were sure this time that The Prestigious University of Prestige in Wellington (Prestige Central)TM® would move up to 84th in at least one international ranking survey
• Hell freezes over. Sinners find the snow quite refreshing after the runaway climate on Earth


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