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September 17, 2018 | by  | in Food | [ssba]

Food Sex

When the frosty Wellington wind blows you back from uni, and you get home just to wait another 3 hours before the heating comes on during the free power hour; staying warm can be a real struggle. My suggestion is to practise the activities our ancestors used to keep themselves toasty during the winter months: eating food and having sex. To make the most of the heat you’re generating, I vote combining the activities.
Some people sweet-talk their sexual interests into the sack with an Italian restaurant dinner, or a home cooked steak and veg. I argue that the real seduction happens with dessert. This takes place closer to “bedtime”, and the sweet memories of pudding are still slick at the back of your tongue. Get-you-laid dinner recipes are ten-a-penny so I present; Get-you-laid dessert.

Fried Bananas


1x bunch of bananas – $3
5-6 pinches of brown sugar (regular sugar also works fine)
1 pinch of cinnamon
1 spoon of butter

I find it easiest to slice bananas before skinning them, they hold their shape better. Make a slice vertically down the banana to split it into two. Sprinkle brown sugar down the banana until it’s mostly covered, then sprinkle the cinnamon on to your taste. Get a large frying pan on the stove at a high heat. Place the butter in the pan just before you’re ready with the bananas. The pan should be hot enough to make the butter bubble straight away. Lay the banana in the pan sugar side down and don’t touch it for about two minutes. Then flip them over for about 1 minute. On the sugar side, the brown sugar should caramelize into a sweet film over the face of the banana. Be careful — the sugar is extremely hot in this state and it’s easy to burn yourself, or ruin a pan with burnt sugar. Serve the bananas nice and warm, by themselves or with cream or yoghurt. Serve with a nice thick blob of cream on one end to capitalize on the phallic imagery.

Berry Pastries


1x 500g bag of frozen berries – $6
1x frozen flakey pastry – $4
1/4 cup sugar
1 pinch of nutmeg
1 pinch of cinnamon

Start by preheating the oven to 200 C, then take the frozen ingredients out of the fridge to defrost. The berries can be cooked from frozen, but the pastry needs to be room temperature in order to shape it. It’s easiest to separate all the sheets of pastry, they thaw quickest like this. Put the berries in a pot on the stove at medium heat. Add a little water, the sugar, nutmeg, and cinnamon. The berries will slowly cook from frozen until they’re a mushy syrup. When the liquid becomes less watery and more syrupy, the compote is ready. The kitchen should be smelling very sweet. Get some of your room temperature pastry and start by slicing it up into several canoe shapes just bigger than your hand. Then fold the edges of the canoe inwards so it looks similar to a pizza crust. Next, carefully spoon your compote into the canoes. If there’s a lot of liquid to the compote — spoon the berries out and gently add a little syrup. You don’t want to waterlog the pastries. You can always drizzle them with syrup later. Place the pastries on a baking paper lined tray and put them in the oven. It should take 10-15 minutes but watch the pastry turn golden before you take them out. This should produce deliciously sweet, vaginal shaped pastries.


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