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September 17, 2018 | by  | in *News* | [ssba]

The Lifts Are Always One Step Ahead

This week, the elevators on Kelburn Campus are back in operation and allowing students to travel between the 3rd and 7th floor without the need for stairs. Students and staff are flabbergasted that the second coming of Jesus Christ has not come prior to the elevator repair.
“Honestly, I’m shocked. This whole time I thought the 7th floor was a myth developed by postgrad students to fool undergrads. I actually went there today. Scenes.” said one Te Puni Village resident. The elevators have been out of order since the 2016 Kaikoura earthquake, and have forced students to perform the ungodly task of climbing stairs to find their academic articles.
It’s not all laughs & lifts around campus though. A documentary concerning the broken elevators has halted production in the Salient TV office. They are “devastated”, as months of footage are now completely irrelevant. We can only imagine they will be hoping for the repairs to be temporary.
Callum Turnbull is of the group of students who is so shocked, they’re actually disappointed. “This is a major change in my university life, and they didn’t even consult me about it. No email, no nothing. Is there where my fees are going?” Turnbull has reportedly scheduled a boycott of the elevators for the rest of the year.

*Disclaimer: This is shit news*


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