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October 15, 2018 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

How Are You Spending Your Uni Break?

With the school year coming to a close, it’s time to start making some radikool holiday plans with your besties! To find out how you’ll be spending your sexy Summer, take this 100% certified personality quiz by Katie Meadows, who has a 100% certified personality disorder! That’s hot!

What’s your perfect date?
A. That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25th, because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket
B. Hotel Bristol for a game of pool, accompanied by banter that consists entirely of Borat quotes
C. Catch something French at the Film Festival, then a bike home through the botanical gardens while listening to SoundCloud rips through an iPhone speaker
D. Mother does not allow me to date until I am 35 years of age

What are you listening to during a late night study sesh?
A. Whatever Taylor Swift album I have in my Bratz boombox!
B. The Joe Rogan Experience while I snort research chemicals I bought online from Russia
C. lofi hip hop beats to study/relax to 24/7 live stream, for ultimate efficiency
D. Recordings I have made of myself crying, because it harmonises with my current crying

What do you hope to get out of your degree?
A. A nice job, a nice partner, and a nice baby, out of which I hopefully only hate two of three
B. Cs get degrees lads, and I’m going into politics
C. A good barista job that pays the living wage
D. A reason to live, and the validation I’ve always wanted but never received

What does your before-bed routine consist of?
A. First I remove my makeup with Micellar water, then cleanse, tone, moisturize, and apply pimple cream — a hydrating mask if I’m feeling fancy
B. Messaging every former hook-up on my phone with “u up?” and getting no response
C. A benzodiazepine and a mug of rooibos
D. I literally do not sleep and am so tired that I have come to see Christian Bale’s character in The Machinist as something to aspire to

Be honest – what are your thoughts on the university name change?
A. I hate it! That money should be used to clone Phoebe the tuatara
B. It was a good choice, which I am willing to state publicly for a higher grade on my final paper
C. I couldn’t care less, but only because this institution has made me so apathetic
D. I am angry they did not accept my suggestion of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride”

Who is getting your vote for Bird of the Year 2018?
A. Kiwi, because it’s a classic, like Marilyn Monroe, and Friends, and dads disappointing you
B. Tūī, because that is a beer, and I like beer, but not so much birds, but if I had to pick one
C. Kererū, so I can post online about how they get drunk all the time and caption it “#same”
D. The rats in my ceiling, because they listen to me

Where is your fave on-campus lunch spot between classes?
A. Vic Books, because I have finally flirted enough with the barista to get a reasonable discount
B. The library, talking loudly on my phone and eating three pies in a row while I disregard the people around me who are trying to study
C. The women’s room, because it is always empty for some reason
D. The graveyard, because I am dead inside

If you’re indulging in a bit of retail therapy, where are you headed?
A. Emporium: I was born in the wrong decade, y’know? Because back then this ironic t-shirt would definitely be at least half this price
B. Good As Gold: trendy branded dad hats, $90 keyrings, and printed long-sleeves that are sure to impress my peers/several niche subreddits
C. Kowtow: clean shapes combined with breezy linens makes for versatile looks for joining any number of religious sects
D. I’ve actually been working on the most amazing suit made out of human skin

What movie could you watch over and over again?
A. To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before – Noah Centineo is looking like a snack!
B. Fight Club – it’s cool when the men fight the other men. Haha, masculinity is such a prison
C. Inception – it makes you like, really think and I also like that one noise that goes “BWAHHH”
D. Flower of Flesh & Blood – the Japanese horror film that Charlie Sheen watched on heaps of cocaine and thought was a real snuff film and reported to the FBI in 1991

It’s Saturday night — where are you sure to hit up for a dance?
A. 121, because I’m on pingers and I want to lose my phone, ID, and wallet tonight
B. Estab, because I’m on pingers and I want to yell across the room at other heterosexuals
C. Caroline, because I’m on pingers and I want to hook up with one of my Twitter mutuals
D. I do not go outside and will be staying at home with my collection of skulls, also what is a pinger

Mostly As: The Sex and the City character you are most like is Charlotte! The Marvel Cinematic Universe Chris of your dreams is Chris Pine! If you were a comfort food, you’d be lasagne! If Garfield were real, he’d eat that lasagne! He’d eat you alive! And you’d be like, stop, no, it’s me, I’m the lasagne! But Garfield can’t hear you! Don’t worry about that now; relax, have a glass of vino and enjoy your uni break. Garfield’s not real. But if he were, you’d be dead.
Mostly Bs: God, I don’t know. You’ll break a bone. You’ll party ‘til you pass out. You’ll go to South East Asia and get a photo for your Tinder profile with a sedated tiger. You’ll probably get in a fight with me on Vic Deals about something stupid. Maybe you will meet someone new and fall in love, but it definitely won’t be because of that photo with the tiger. Seriously, please stop doing this, it is so fucking depressing.

Mostly Cs: Now that you’re done with uni for the year, it’s time to drop out and move to Melbourne, then London, then Berlin. When you’ve spent all your money on drugs and cold brew coffee, it’s back home to New Zealand to live with your parents! Luckily, global warming is going to kill us within 20 years so that won’t last forever, and you won’t even have to worry about your student debt in the end. Always a silver lining.
Mostly Ds: You have been reported to the authorities. Following your trial you are likely to be imprisoned, either in a literal prison or a psychological one of your own making, where you will begin to write the next Unabomber manifesto. After amassing a small but loyal cult following for your writings, you will sacrifice your physical body to be eaten by the Wellington Zoo dingoes, while your immortal spirit transcends this astral plane into the next realm. Far out.

Disclaimer: This personality quiz, like all personality quizzes, including astrology which is basically a personality quiz, is not real or accurate, and I would even go so far as to say it is full of shit.


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