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February 25, 2019 | by  | in *News* Splash | [ssba]

First-Year Yet to Meet Soulmate in O-Week Clearly a Socially Incompetent Virgin

While thousands of new students partake in Victoria University’s O-Week festivities, not all are having the same set of magical experiences as literally everyone else.

Josh Smith, 18, of Palmerston North, is reported to have only made a few casual acquaintances with people across the hall.  

Meanwhile, the rest of his floor have already sorted themselves into tightly packed friend groups, setting the stage for brutal personality clashes.

Mr Smith, who clearly lacks basic social skills, seemed disappointed with his inability to immediately establish lasting connections with hundreds of strangers.

“Yeah everyone told me you’d make the best friends of your life at uni, so to not have made a best friend yet is pretty awful on my part. I think I’ll just fully invest myself emotionally in the next group of attractive and popular kids I run into.”

As well as demonstrably lacking the capacity to build lasting friends, Mr Smith has also spent his first nights alone, with no sexual contact.

This ran counter to firmly established evidence that his student life would either be one non-stop syphilis-fueled orgy, or that he’d establish love at first sight.

“There’s this nice girl on my floor so I think I’ll just half-heartedly grind on her at the toga party. Seems like that’s what everyone else is doing.”

Experts warn that if Mr Smith does not establish himself in a toxic clique or fails to have ungratifying sex by the end of O-Week, he will probably die alone. Like a loser.

If you know Mr Smith or anyone like him, please ensure they are forced to do things they aren’t comfortable with for the sake of conformity. Remember: popularity before principles!


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