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February 25, 2019 | by  | in *News* | [ssba]

“Supreme Leader” Guilford Expands Anti-Victoria Propaganda Campaign

MyVictoria has been renamed “MyTools” in the University Council’s newest attempt to rebrand the University.

A Victoria University Council member leaked a ten-step plan titled “Now You See Me” for the ongoing name change battle.

The change is the first of many in a string of micro-revisions to create the illusion that Chris Hipkins did indeed approve the name change, and that Wellington remains a student utopia free of mental illness and rental crises.

When asked to justify the subversive plan, Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford requested Salient refer to him as “Supreme Leader”.

Some students found the change without consultation disturbing.

“I’m freaking out. First, it’s our myVictoria, then it’s VB merch… Our diplomas—how far will they go?” said an anonymous Philosophy student.

English Literature grads and the entire Political Studies department have apparently been stockpiling weapons and supplies, being familiar with the historic signifiers of autocratic “democracies”.

Others students were confused by the first wave of revisions, suggesting the campaign has not been as successful as hoped.

“Wait, are you saying they’re changing the name to Tool University?” said Joan, a third-year Maths student.


Keep reading Salient for weekly updates on Wellington’s descent into a burning hellscape.


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