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March 4, 2019 | by  | in *News* Splash | [ssba]

First-Year Buys Textbook He’ll Definitely Use

In a watershed moment for first-year student Josh Smith, sources have revealed that he spent NZD$125.99 of actual real-life money on a brand new textbook for a 100-level Politics paper.

Mr Smith reportedly walked into the Kelburn branch of VicBooks, assuming the relevant stack of glued-together paper was worth its exorbitant asking price.

Witnesses told Salient that he took the item to the counter and paid for it “without a flinch”.

“Well, I guess if the website said it was ‘essential’ then it must be? Why would they lie, what would they have to gain?”

When questioned, Mr Smith appeared unaware that 93.5% of all textbooks have been scientifically shown to be outdated, incoherent, and effectively available on Wikipedia.

While acknowledging bookshops can be an emotionally and spiritually confusing experience for freshers, experts agree that Mr Smith will likely never open his new purchase.

One senior analyst did suggest the book might be briefly opened as a last resort before the final exam, but other experts decried this theory as “possible but not plausible”.

When asked by Salient, the experts (all of whom had written or contributed to textbooks themselves) looked nervous and shuffled in their seats before admitting they’d never actually had to read anything to pass their courses.

Second-year BCom student Zara Seal suggested Mr Smith could fob off the book to the next round of freshers at an adjusted price on Vic Deals.

“Just be sure to do it before they change the edition—it’s a bit like a long-term pass the parcel where you don’t need, want, or have absolutely anything to gain from the parcel.”

At time of publication, Smith’s new textbook had apparently already been permanently concealed under a pile of UberEats bags, filthy tissues, and shitty poetry.


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