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June 4, 2019 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Jesus Christ Super-Nah, Saviour’s New Political Party May Need Miracle

Jesus Christ Himself to Lead Political Party in Upcoming Election; Still Unlikely to Break 5% Threshold


A spokesangel for the Kingdom of Heaven confirmed last week that Jesus Christ will return to Earth after nearly 2000 years, in order to contest the New Zealand General Election in 2020.


Mr Christ, a 2019-year tradie hailing from PalestineIsraelPalestineIsraelPalestine the Middle East, has already had a notable political career with at least one major global religion made out in His name.


At a press conference shortly after the announcement, the Son of God stated that He had heard through divine channels that New Zealand was apparently in dire need of a Christian political party.


“I had a bit of free time and couldn’t see anyone else more qualified, so after a quick chat with the Heavenly Father, the Immigration Minister, and the Electoral Commissioner, I was good to go.”


While some political pundits lauded the move, most were concerned that it would be unlikely to pay off for the relative outsider, given the recent explosion of Christian or Christian-adjacent parties, such as the New Conservatives, Destiny Church’s Coalition Party, and the Temporarily Suspended Alfred Ngaro Party™.


Even long-time friend and colleague Simon Peter repeatedly denied any support for the new party.


“What we’re getting is a pretty saturated market, and this Jesus fellow is going to have to bring a lot more to the table to get a seat than just redeeming everyone in the country from their sins,” warned political observer Bryce Edwards.


These views were certainly reflected in the street. Deidre Cartwright, 64, of Tauranga said that while she would most definitely vote for a Christian party at the upcoming election, she’d give Mr Christ a miss.


“I’m not voting for some silly foreigner who likes hanging out with prostitutes. He also hasn’t said anything against abortion or gay marriage, which is a big let-down for me, personally.”


While it appears as though He might need to up his Christian credentials, the Lamb of God has polled slightly better than his peers amongst the non-Christian demographic. Josh Smith, an 18-year-old Victoria University student, said that while he’d ordinarily have nothing to do with religion, he might just end up casting a vote for New Zealand’s first divine political candidate for “the usual reasons”.


“Honestly, I’m all for any kind of party where the host can make free wine. And I guess literally anything is better than the Tamakis.”



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