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AuthorJess Scott

Author Archive: Jess Scott

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March 26, 2018

During Lent, God-bothering anti-abortionist lunatics congregate outside medical practitioners, generally intimidating and abusing members of the public. True to form, this March has unleashed the closeted sociopaths and sadists, emerging from the shadows screeching and pelting passerbys with stock photos of alien “foetuses” and flagrant misinformation. As though the decision to have an abortion wasn’t […]

September 18, 2016

Transition from post-sexual endeavour to Friday morning tutorial Let’s be real, how often do you actually attend this class? Will you really fail the paper if you don’t go, just this once? Would it even be that bad if you did fail, subsequently prolonging your degree, and with it the alarming frequency of your quarter-life […]

September 4, 2016

We’ve all experienced the feeling that comes with perusing the invite list of an upcoming social event, only to discover that a former dating human shall be in attendance. That amalgamation of dread and some sort of sadistic, twisted satisfaction, at the thought that they’ll see you there, (ideally) shit hot and exquisitely unattainable. The […]

August 7, 2016

After braving (read: near developing frostbite, regularly crying, and enduring approx. seven colds per year) 2.5 Wellington winters I have developed a vague sense of how NOT to go about dressing oneself. More so after a recent spontaneous galavant to Dunedin in fucking July (Do I have a death wish?? Perhaps?), where upon exiting the […]

May 29, 2016

Why is acceptance of one’s own lump of cellular matter—the flesh prison we inhabit, the meat ship we commandeer—considered to be so radical? Why is the act of liking oneself, either being content with one’s appearance or accepting our own discontent, so deeply controversial? Our generation is frequently blasted by those preceding us for being […]

May 29, 2016

  Last week I chose to survive off $5.72 (post supermarket—do not panic, I am alive) for five days so as to purchase a pair of pink, glittery Miu Miu* sunglasses. After a recent five day Bloody Mary bender / alco-holiday with the main squeeze, my savings account (read: all nine accounts) were looking absolutely […]

May 15, 2016

In response to my prior column, “what to do when your boy toy dresses like shit” (inspired by a particularly heinous pair of white dad jeans owned by a former man friend), I decided to address the current state of writer’s block I am suffering as a result of my current boyfriend. It isn’t that […]

May 1, 2016

Hi, bleach-blonde baby Jess, Where are your eyebrows, child?! You will soon (thankfully) ditch the purple eyeshadow, learn to apply eyeliner without looking like Pete Wentz circa 2007 (leave your fucking waterline alone), and that leopard print should never, under any circumstances whatsoever, be worn in public. Future Jess will be mad as hell that […]

April 10, 2016

  There is nothing worse than the heightened self awareness and low-key embarrassment that accompany being abrasively and inappropriately dressed for whatever social situation you find yourself in. Here is a short field guide to maintaining appropriate attire in any scenario:   Accidental encounter with man-friend’s parents/siblings/entire extended family who happen to be drunk at […]

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