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February 21, 2005 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things That Kiwis Need to Get Over Already

1. The Lord of the Rings
2. The ‘Underarm Bowling Incident’
3. Orewa speech
4. ’81 Springbok Tour
5. Otago University

Best Diseases

1. Penis Elephantitis
2. Vitiligo
3. Alcoholism
4. Nymphomania
5. Logorrhea

Improvements to the Game of Cricket

1. Balls
2. Remove the box
3. Landmines
4. An ‘Acid’ Test
5. Ban the fucking game entirely

Shitty Words

1. Guesstimate – Don’t “guess” and “estimate” pretty much cover the range of possibility here?
2. Whilst – Useless, “while” doesn’t need a conjunction, it’s already a conjunction in itself.
3. Paradigm – Used by stupid people to sound smart. It means “thing”.
4. Gay – Far too many connotations; let’s just stick with queer, happy or lame.
5. Heaps – If you say ‘heaps’ heaps, perhaps it’s time to find a new adjective/noun/adverb.

Things the acronym NCEA should stand for

1. No Cunt Ever Achieves
2. Nobody Cares about Exams Anyway
3. Noam Chomsky Eats Arse
4. Noddy Craves Extra Anal
5. National Certificate of Educational Achievement

Things We Don’t Want to Hear About in the Letters Pages

1. God
2. Poos
3. First-years
4. Feminism
5.Anything critical of the magazine, motherfuckers

Brothel Slogans

1. ‘More Fuck for Your Buck’
2. ‘More Bang for Your Gang’
3. ‘Free Handjobs For Frequent Johns’
4. ‘Crabs-free Guarantee’
5. ‘Show Us Your Crack’


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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