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February 27, 2006 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Inopportune Times to Have Premature Ejaculation

  1. When you’re in a sperm bank and you haven’t yet removed the cap from the jizz cup
  2. When you’re a praying mantis
  3. When you’re being webcast to your schoolmates, and you’re about to score the hot foreign exchange student
  4. During your first week in the halls
  5. In your mother’s womb

Side-effects of the Pill

1. Balls
2. Acne
3. Big ol’ bubbies
4. Increased likelihood of casual sex
5. Funky under-butter

Things you can expect from Salient this year

1. Cheap shots
2. Blatant self-promotion
3. The 2nd Annual Injunction Function
4. Turbo-charge, racing stripes and blow-off valve
5. A fantastic magazine for the first few months, the inevitable mid-year sag, and then a big fuck you to the readers at the end of the year once we’ve realized that most of us will be working for the government this time next year

Things you will learn from university this year

1. Praying won’t help you pass
2. That a quokka is a Western Australian form of the wallaby
3. That people who work for VUWSA are douches
4. Salient is the best read you will ever have
5. Either a) how incredibly easy it is to get laid, or b) that you’re probably going to be a virgin for the rest of your sad existence

Olympic Insights ‘06

1. Curling chicks are hot
2. Despite the temperature, you never really see an erect nipple
3. Doesn’t matter what country is playing hockey, they all play for the NHL
4. Where do they find the announcers for some fringe sport like luge? This is somebody’s job. What do you do? “I’m a professional luge announcer.”
5. You can’t be a male figure skater and not be completely gay

Reasons why Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face

1. He saw brown branches around his face and thought he was an A-rab
2. Because brightly coloured quails really do look like a man’s face
3. He couldn’t come home empty-handed or he’d have looked like a pussy.
4. He thought it was about time a rich, white man got shot
5. He was hungry

Bad times to piss your pants

1. In the dentists chair
2. During the Ski Jump at the Winter Olympics
3. During the first week at the halls
4. During cunnilingus
5. In space

Best excuses for a premature ejaculation

1. You turn me on so much baby, I can’t help myself
2. I’m trying to test out how long my reload time is
3. Sting practises tantric sex. Would you rather be doing Sting??? I think not.
4. Well, I’m good . . . how ‘bout you?
5. I thought you’d be pleased

Things that would be cool to shoot out of a cannon

1. A bunch of knives
2. A baby
3. Phat beats
4. Rainbows
5. Semen

Top 5 Catastrophes of 2206

1. The fiery crash of the unsinkable Titanic Space-Shuttle, which hit an icy asteroid
2. The return of denim track suits
3. The remembrance of the 205th anniversary of September 11
4. Machine uprising
5. The human genocide as a result of the Apes taking over


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (1)

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  1. Need 2 Graduate says:

    Working for the Government my ass…………see you at IRD losers

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