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March 6, 2006 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things to do with frozen poo

1. “Space-docking” – shitting, freezing it, then using it as a dildo
2. Finely grating and sprinkling throughout someone’s room, leaving to melt
3. Use like a stick of chalk to write a message on a wall
4. Jab a popsical stick into poo, freeze it, and sell it to kids (“poopsicles”)
5. Wrap golden tickets around it

Things you’d be called if you were a giant poo

1. A floater: someone who just hangs around, doesn’t say anything, but you can’t just get rid of
2. Diarrhoea: someone who turns up uninvited, often, and leads to messy situations
3. Constipation: the guy you can never convince to come to social events ever
4. Shy bear: the guy who only pops in for a short time, before disappearing quickly
5. Big fucking turd: self-explanatory

New Names For Eastside/The Mount Street Bar and Cafe

1. The Los Angeles Bath-house
2. A Bar That Students Can Drink at and Occasionally Eat Food, but No Longer Play Pool
3. The Crypts
4. Student Union Capital Venture
5. Jugs

Things to do if you don’t get Rolling Stones tickets

1. Whine about scalpers
2. Go to David Gray and abuse him for making elevator music
3. Play “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” LOUD at home and cry yourself to sleep
4. Take a bath of razor-blades
5. Who wants to see four sixty-year olds dance around a stage living off their fame from the 1960s anyway? Because let’s face it, their work from the last twenty years has been shit. And would they really care about playing some shitty little show in a shitty little country at the arsehole of the world, when they’ve already made millions? Plus Mick sold out by taking a knighthood. Ahhh who am I kidding, someone hand me a noose.

Best Ways to Save Dentistry Fees

1. Do-it-yourself mouth surgery
2. Brushing, flossing & gargling
3. Barter with beads and other shiny trinkets for dental services
4. Get a mechanic to do it
5. Go to dentistry school

Felonies at the North Pole

1. Elfophilia
2. “Badness”
3. Snortin’ some “snow”
4. Sneaking dildos into kids’ presents
5. Ejaculating down the chimney (Santa excepted)

Mardi Gras Drinks

1. Mudslide
2. Some shit we done drained from a pool
3. Vodka and debris
4. Black on the rocks
5. Hurricane

T-shirt slogans somebody should print

1. “I’m beautiful on the inside”
2. “My other t-shirt is a Lamborghini”
3. “My God is better than yours”
4. “Stop. Turn around. Fuck off”
5. “Whattup Nigga?”

Reasons why you don’t need to go to a dentist

1. Corner the blow-job/prostitution market by promising gummy goodness
2. Teeth are over-rated
3. You know what you can get nowadays? Fake teeth, just as good as the real thing
4. It’s not like they are real doctors anyway
5. Pray and God will sort out your dental hygiene for you

People who should not give blood

1. Mick Jagger
2. Nick Kelly
3. Stephen Hawking
4. Gweneth Paltrow
5. Dracula

Bad places to have a birthday party

1. RMS Titanic
2. McDonald’s
3. 17 Colombo Street, Newtown
4. The freezing works
5. Greytown

Good things about slavery

1. Shackle jewellry
2. Free cotton
3. The beatings
4. Whites could steal their music legitimately
5. Plenty of fresh, young women

Things we have alcohol to thank for

1. Jerks
2. Ugly babies
3. Poor grades
4. STIs
5. Your sister

Reasons Why Bio-Dome was never nominated for an Oscar

1. The Academy has an unjustified hatred of Pauly Shore
2. It didn’t want to sell out for the meat-market that is the Academy Awards
3. Another example of the Oscars not actually rewarding quality
4. Politics
5. Bio-Dome is a terrible film

Brand names for tampons (as designed by men)

1. “Where the Sun Don’t Shine sticks”
2. “It’s a telescope with a mouse in it!”
3. “Blood-catchers”
4. “Get-them-out-of-our-faces-and-stop-whiningers”
5. “The Pre-Menopausers”

Overheard on the bus this morning

1. “I’m having such a fat day. I’m not going to eat today”
2. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m not going to eat for two days”
3. “Well, I haven’t eaten for three days, and this morning, I threw up!”
4. Stunned silence.
5. “Oh my God! I am so jealous of you!”

New Chess Pieces

1. The Gay (moves anywhere it wants, swishingly, but can’t actually beat any of the other pieces)
2. The Checker
3. The Lawyer (used for stalling the proceedings)
4. The Non-Denominational Religious Figure
5. The Bastard-King (to be introduced to cause in-fighting amongst the other team)

New Slogans for the Catholic Church

1. If it bleeds, it leads
2. We’ll make your Opus Dei
3. Running on guilt since 0 AD
4. Don’t fuck with a Church that still has Nazi gold
5. Collecting God’s profit for you

Animals That Should be Able to Fly

1. Kiwis
2. Elephants (that would rock so fucking hard, except for the 1/2 ton of elephant shit on your windshield)
3. Fried chicken (only a part of an animal, yes, but how great would it be to just snatch a drumstick out of the air)
4. Snakes
5. Giant squid

Bad names for a new line of automobiles

1. The Guzzler
2. The Woodchuck
3. Hydrogen Powered!
4. The Go-Tards
5. Matchstick Model T Fords


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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