1. Wipe your ass
2. Change a tampon
3. Pick a fight
4. Button your cuffs
5. Clap

Things to do with a cactus

1. Use it as designer stubble
2. Stomp on it and make sweet, sweet mescaline. Or just stomp on it. It’d be fun.
3. S&M
4. Cactus pudding
5. Child abuse

Things the Freemasons really do

1. Circle-jerks (also something you can’t do with two broken arms)
2. Really tasty bechamel
3. um . . . masoning . . . freestyle?
4. Keep the Martians under wraps
5. Sit around and tell stories about the good old days, when the gays, blacks and jews knew where they belonged

Funny things to put in your friend’s drink

1. A dead bird
2. Rohypnol
3. Concrete mix
4. A short piece of sharp wire
5. Cholera

Reasons why Easter Tourney is being held in Wellington

1. Jerusalem is too far away
2. It’s kind of like a draft pick – worst place last year gets to host it this year
3. Central location
4. Javelin is much more exciting with unpredictable Wellington wind
5. The next best idea to Wellington’s failed 2006 Commonwealth Games bid

Bad goatee shapes

1. Butterfly
2. Landing strip
3. Gary Busey
4. Swastika (cute and fuzzy)
5. Chin strap

“Please God” . . .

1. Don’t let me die
2. Make this lecture end
3. Cure my kid’s cancer
4. Don’t let her be pregnant
5. Not again

Beer, by the . . .

1. Bucket
2. Boot
3. Beaver
4. Balloon
5. IV bag

Possible Medals for 4th Place

1. Stainless steel
2. Platinum
3. Chicken bone
4. Ones that keep smacking you in the face for being a loser
5. Sod

Commonwealth Games insights

1. Fat politicians shouldn’t be telling high performance athletes how to win medals
2. Bowls is not a sport
3. Table tennis just doesn’t work without Orientals
4. We still can’t win anything with Europe, most of Asia, North America, South America and half of Africa not there.
5. No-one ever watches the Closing Ceremony