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August 7, 2006 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Things Mel Gibson said to that Policeman

1. Ya can take mae life, but you cannae take mae car keys!
2. You wanna get crazy? Let’s get crazy!
3. And I thought Jesus felt persecuted.
4. That being said, I’m still a batshitloonball beadshakingcrazy catholicmotherfucker
5. Those goddamn Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Except Iraq, of course, we all know who fucked that up. And the French and Indian War, I guess that one’s pretty self-explanatory, the Falklands War too, that was just downright silly, and the . . .

New sources of electricity
1. Iraqis
2. The frantic wrists of 15-year old boys
3. Carpeting and door-knobs everywhere
4. Vanilla Ice. He’s so hot right now
5. Certainly not nuclear, you namby-pamby, nimby-greenie bitches

Things you always regret
1. Paying for water
2. Walking to university
3. Date rape
4. Drunk-texting
5. Using that last condom to make a balloon

New Vic marketing promotions
1. “Buy ten degrees, get 10% off your eleventh!”
2. “We need you to overthrow those capitalist scum “
3. “Fuck it, we don’t even want you to come here”
4. “Now with even more creamy goodness”
5. “If you can’t get over it, you might as well get under it. Word.”

New names for Ultimate Frisbee
1. Disc-themed, hippy non-sport
2. A chasing game, not for dogs
3. Xtreme Ultimate Frisbeekaze
4. American Football
5. Like water polo but without the ball, the water and the horses

Reasons why Wellington needs a casino
1. So the degenerate gamblers can segregate themselves from the degenerate alcoholics
2. The poor still have too much money
3. Hamilton-envy
4. So the politicians can easily launder their bribes
5. Nothing says culture like pokie machines

Homeless job titles
1. Refuse recycling engineer
2. Independent sanitation consultant
3. Open-air entertainment specialist
4. Food expiry researcher
5. Personal fundraiser

Things you didn’t know could be used as a dildo
1. Baby’s arm
2. Squid
3. Kumara
4. Car jack
5. Telescope

Things to take on a camping trip
1. Kumbaya sheet music and lyrics
2. A giant creature made of straw to scare off mosquitos (a ScareQuito)
3. An X-Box
4. A dinosaur
5. A tent

Things You Won’t Find in Heaven
1. A stem-cell
2. Puppies who became police dogs
3. Brian Tamaki
4. Jelly-wrestling
5. A half-pipe


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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