Every now and then, you’ll be nodding off for a restful night of sleep and all of a sudden you hear the dulcet tones of David Bowie, or if they’re feeling adventurous, a bit of Stevie Wonder emanating from next door. At first you think to yourself, “ahhh they’re listening to some good music as they too go to sleep”. Unfortunately the realisation will hit when you hear the sudden squeal, the odd grunt or the arrhythmic squeaks of the bed. And what happens to their indie-cool music? It becomes tarnished with the brush of other people’s drunken one-night stands and nights being kept awake by early morning ejaculations. So time to fight fire with fire.

Thriller is one of the great modern day pop albums. Say what you like about Michael Jackson’s nose, penchant for face masks or those allegations, this album is genius. It contains the greatest three song combo in musical history ‘Thriller’, ‘Beat It’ and ‘Billie Jean’. The following song, ‘Human Nature’ is not too bad either. If you’re sitting down, your feet can’t help but move like a spastic and your lips can’t help but shout out “ah-hee-hee”.

This makes it perfect to drown out flatmates. Not only will the bass drown out the most tantric of sexes, but you can sit there and have a boogie while their mood is slowly killed by the thought of white gloves and kiddy fiddling. Hell, if they’re really up for it, then sweet melodies such as ‘The Girl is Mine’ will help kill any passion as both Michael and Paul MacCartney belt it out to each other. And once the partner’s stormed out in a huff, all you need to do is play ‘Beat it’ with the lyrics “don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man” and, “Just Beat It, Beat It, Beat It, Beat It” and leave them alone for a few minutes with a box of tissues.