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September 4, 2006 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Team Magical Adventure: Easters Style

The point of the Easters style tournament is to give less experienced debaters the chance to debate alongside some of the more seasoned masters and hopefully pick up a few tricks. It was a good opportunity to get my proverbial debating feet back on the ground. My teammates Dashing Dave and Amelia Awesome would have to sit this one out, because in an Easters style team you only need two debaters, and those faggots were still guilt-ridden for eating my fucking leg in Jakarta. I met my new partner who introduced himself as Doogoo. Doogoo was from Sri Lanka. He was a good kid but every time he said something my attention was drawn to his white lolling eyes.

There are some serious differences between Easters style debating and regular debating. First of all, there are only two speakers per side instead of three. The other difference is that speeches are 6-8 minutes instead of 8-10 minutes, with a final bell at 8 minutes.

I was really excited to get back into the spirit of debating. My rehabilitation was going well, but I needed something to take my mind off the painkillers and the endless blank stretches of time and imagination. We met the other team in Meeting Room 1 of
the Student Union Building, and they didn’t look half as confident as we did. My mood was further lightened when I saw that the adjudicator was to be Emily Braunstein, a colleague of mine from the old days of debating. I made sure to draw her attention as she entered the room, not necessarily to influence the outcome of the debate, but to find out how he’s doing, etc etc. I asked her how she was, and she said she was fine and asked how I was, indicating my pegleg and my prosthetic arm. I said fine. I also said this was the first time I had debated since that horrible incident in Jakarta. We made sympathetic noises and then got on with the debate.

The other team chose the moot ‘That Racism is a Disgracism.’ Because of my relative experience, I elected to go first speaker. I opened with some jokes about being rusty because I had not debated since my arm and leg got amputated. Things got kind of dark, so I moved on
to my first main point. I gave a common dictionary definition of racism as ‘unfair treatment of people, or violence against them, because they belong to a different race from your own.’ Racism, rather than being a disgrace, was the product of breakdowns in communication between different cultures. I closed my argument with a brief reminder of the 59 days I spent hungry and bleeding in Jakarta. The speech went perfectly, even better than I had expected. We were practically guaranteed to win, so long as Doogoo didn’t mess things up.

The other team got up and spluttered some irrelevant points about us not arguing the moot properly. I made scoffing noises to unsettle them and flipped them the bird when Emily wasn’t looking. Then it was Doogoo’s turn to speak. Even from the offset I could hardly understand him. I began to grow physically uncomfortable. I clapped my shoe loudly on the floor and scraped my fingernails along the metal edge of the desk. ‘Doogoo! Speak English!’ I whispered, hopefully so that Emily couldn’t hear me. He kept on babbling, and with his white lolling eyes he was a distraction from the very argument he was making. At last I
could stand it no longer. I lifted myself from the chair, put my hand against the desk and shouted, “Doogoo! Speak English! We are going to LOSE the debate!” He turned to me and said something mysteriously along the lines of “wawa fuffin (wahya fu’n) problem man.” I thought he was mocking me for my pegleg so I got up and bashed him in the face with my prosthetic arm. That taught him I thought, but then he grabbed my arm off me and started slamming me in the kidneys with it. I appealed for help from the other team but Emily just shouted “Order!” and nobody actually came to my assistance. Doogoo finished beating me up and then went back to his speech. I lay sprawled out on the floor with my eyes lolling.

He still wasn’t speaking proper English though! I gurgled at him from the mat, trying to spit blood on his shoe to gain his attention, until he came over and kicked me in the balls. I mean he really trod those suckers in. After that I just gave up.

Emily gave a really weird adjudication. As I predicted we lost the debate, but to my surprise, Doogoo was awarded Best Speaker! Not that I can really take credit of course. I only hope Doogoo learns to control his temper, because in this day and age you simply can’t go around beating up cripples whenever you feel like it. Back in Sri Lanka maybe you could, so I guess that is the basis of our misunderstanding. Until next time, this is Really Richard signing out for Team Magical Adventure!


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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