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May 7, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Worst Beer Concepts:

1. Bilk. Beer with milk
2. Mash energy lager
3. Cave Creek chilli beer. It’s like mescal, but beer… and with chilli peppers in it
4. Hurricane high-gravity lager. You know, so it works in outer space
5. Camo silver ice high-gravity lager. So you can drink it in space, but you can’t see the damn stuff

Most Useless Products Known to Man:

1. “Nair” – hair removal cream for men. ’Cause it’s so different to the one for women
2. Dog waistcoats
3. Leaf blowers. Seriously, what do they achieve that the wind doesn’t?
4. Non-alcoholic beer
5. Rock Star: Supernova

Stupid Product Disclaimers:

1. On a Taiwanese shampoo: Use repeatedly for severe damage
2. On a helmet-mounted mirror used by US cyclists: Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you
3. On a New Zealand insect spray: This product is not tested on animals
4. On a curling iron: Not to be inserted into any orifice
5. On a blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from a tornado

Worst Porn Films:

1. Porn of the Dead
2. Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy
3. Edward Penishands
4. One Night in China
5. Tom Sizemore’s sex tape

Things To Do to Keep Warm This Winter:

1. Don’t bother getting out of bed in the mornings
2. Force your way into your flatmate’s bed and make them spoon you
3. Kill your flatmates, then burn their bodies for warmth
4. Achieve a higher plane of consciousness and no longer feel the pain of cold
5. Steal copies of Salient to burn in a rubbish bin

Sue Bradford’s Next Quest:

1. The anti-unborn baby smacking bill
2. The child’s right to disown parents
3. The anti-food additives bill
4. The anti-reality TV bill
5. The legalization of class A drugs to attract the European tourist dollar

Things We No Longer Believe:

1. Dan Brown can write
2. Orlando Bloom’s acting will get better for the next Pirates of the Caribbean
3. Axl Rose will finish Chinese Democracy
4. BZP was a good idea
5. The Easter bunny

Best Things to do on ANZAC Day:

1. Go to the dawn parade
2. Wear a poppy
3. Remember dead soldiers
4. Not go to Uni
5. Get arrested for humping the cenotaph nude in front of the dawn parade while under the influence of party pills

Best Death Metal Song Names:

1. ‘Creeping Rapists’ Spinal Fluid’
2. ‘Fencepost Sodomy’
3. ‘Disemboweled Catholic Schoolgirls Burn Better than Kindling’
4. ‘Vomiting Blasphemy into a Construction Yard’
5. ‘Bodies Left to Rot in a Bathtub of Green Jelly’

Genocidal Maniacs We Just Love:

1. Hitler
2. Pol Pot
3. Brian Tamaki
4. Gandhi
5. Martha Stewart


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (1)

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  1. Nick says:

    I think you’ll find the chilli beer is pretty rocking, unless you’re some kind of complete pussy, who can’t handle a little spice in their beverage.

    Good work with the top 5 this year though, they absolutely suck, and therefore make last year look fantastic. Do you guys laugh when you write these, or just sit around with dull resigned looks, thinking ‘this week they’ll appreciate a wacky take on the world’?

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