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July 30, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Hillbillies form militia to thwart the coming apocalypse

This week, stories from across the globe have poured into the G.N.M office detailing the brave but vain hopes of communities from across the globe hoping to stem the tide of Zombie death that threatens to engulf the world as we know it. Our valiant reporter David Fletcher Mustaine pulled together this story in a matter of days after extricating himself from an awkward situation in Dallas Texas and at Ozzfest.

Three weeks ago, G.N.M reporter Michael Amott covered the rise of a Zombie army that heralds the coming apocalypse, which has caused a chain reaction across the world. People are preparing for the oncoming holocaust, a Zombie Holocaust if you will, by forming militia of most-notably rednecks to defend themselves. The Hillbilly militia that has titled itself the Metal Militia, due to the propensity for members to be steel workers at the first forming meeting, have based themselves in Austin, Texas.

The Metal Militia has released numerous press statements stating their intention to stop the oncoming onslaught of Zombie death and hopefully stem the tide of what will surely be an Armageddon of epic proportions. The group is headed up by a L. Ulrich, who claims that the group is not like other Hillbilly militia groups that have ever existed, and is a more inclusive organisation, that is setting up offices across the world in an attempt to organise a Hillbilly world front to combat the end of days, and hunt down the two-headed rats that seem to proliferate from Virginia.

Mr Ulrich released this prepared statement on Monday July 16 (Tuesday New Zealand time) stating this:

‘Good morning God fearing Americans, Negro people and those from other lands who don’t believe in our one true God. It is that time that the book of Revelations spoke of, and the great Bill O’Rilley foretold. The end of days is coming from the filthy Zombie scum that threatens us from that devil nation Russia. My valiant kinfolk and friends have banded together in a network for the just and true hope that we shall fight off this disgusting horde and stop the end of it all, ensuring that the paradise the American nation has formed here on Earth will live on for generations to come. We have banded together with our pitchforks and shotguns, ten gallon hats and belt buckles to extend the branch of membership to all just peoples who will join in the coalition of willing rednecks to thwarat… ahem I’m sorry Thwart… this oncoming threat…’

He then added somewhat off the cuff: ‘that and have a hell of a good time fighting them cock smokin’ dead bastards! Yehaw!’

The group initially garnered much criticism; one British foreign affairs minister stated ‘they seem like a bunch of red necked bastards that were looking for an excuse for a bloody war.’ But as time has gone on, it would appear that more noble intentions drive this group, as well as an edict coming from Downing Street to stave the public criticism after President Bush joined the group. G.N.M attempted to gain an interview with Mr. Ulrich but were told that he was busy and we quote ‘kickin some Zombie ass from a helicopter above the northern wastes of that shit hole commie country!’ so unfortunately could not bring the news straight from the horses mouth; or ass as the case may be.

It would appear though that this group is living up to its promises by setting up communications throughout the world with other organisations across the world. New Zealand’s head office is in West Auckland run by that ‘westie’ comedian guy.

It does seem somewhat vain as after all we know that once the aliens get hear and make the foretold pact with the Zombies, enhancing them like only aliens can, then were all screwed. All this reporter can say is that a bunch of rednecks toting guns may seem like a cool idea, but the Zombies are merciless and no doubt will overwhelm them with their brute force and numbers, and hopefully clean up this world before we get enslaved by the coming alien menace. As always keeping you informed about the apocalypse.

The apocalypse and New Zealand:

With the Dominion Post heralding in a new age of cutting edge reporting, and the rising tide of women in powerful positions, G.N.M is keeping you up to date with the things that matter.

As the fine people of Wellington and no doubt the nation will know, soon we will suffer death at the hands of a ravenous horde of alien aided Zombies who will engulf the world. Already farmers have seen offal crawl out of their offal pits and reform with the carcass of their dead host and journey to the great staging ground in the north of Russia, so rest assured dear reader New Zealand will not be forgotten in this onslaught of death and terror.

One of the things you as a good citizen can do for the coming end is complete this handy check list of important things, to ensure transition is smooth:
1: Pick a god or goddess and side with them. It may get you out of a burning pit of hell fire, or an anal probing.
2: Take all your money out of savings and have the best damn party you can have.
3: If you haven’t had sex or are the parent of a child who may die a virgin, pay a prostitute for their services.
4: Buy a gun.
5: Report to your local militia station.
6: Kill any filthy slimy green alien bastards if you see them.
7: If you suspect you may be probed by an alien, prepare by trying some anal stretching exercises, and always carry lube.
8: Drink plenty of water and get some sleep.

We hope these points help you with the impending doom.

The G.N.M team.


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