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October 15, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Final Edition: Apocalypse thwarted by Philosophy student

In a shocking event that occurred just minutes before the final battle that would decide the fate of the world, time was displaced in an act of pure metaphysical angst and dilation, rendering the apocalypse an event so localised it affected one small commune of hippies in the East Midlands in England.

On Wednesday morning the forces of evil were lined up glaring at one another at the foot hills of the Himalayas; Elvis, Voltron and the forces of the United Nations and Hillbilly Militia stared staunchly at the foul hordes of Rasputin’s zombie armies, the slimy aliens lead by Sigourney Weaver, and the Transformers.

The battle looked set to be epic. Elvis was prepped, the forces of evil put forward Paris Hilton as their champion in what can only be described as a move of pure evil.

The forces advanced, the rain started to poor, and lightening lanced the sky. The world stood still…

Except of course for one Victoria University philosophy student who was finishing off an essay for Phil 325, in his own insane apocalyptic timetable, this student (who has asked to remain nameless) happened upon a paradox that had world altering consequences.

In his attempt to rectify the cantina prospect of a hand existing alone in the universe with its relation to the fourth dimension, the man argued that if indeed there were a hand alone in the universe then its existence would only matter if there were a body or groin to go along with it. He argued that hands in the event on nothingness in the universe required a fourth dimension with which to move through so that they may fulfil their orientation needs to pleasure genitalia, and that a fourth dimension is the only thing that could achieve this if a body could not be brought into the universe. This simple argument created a clamour in the space between dimensions, and then, in what can only be described as a Monty Python-ish flash of animation, the hand that was alone in the universe crashed through a dimensional rift through our own, puncturing the very fabric surrounding the impending apocalypse.

By crashing through the time fabric, the battle field in the Himalayas collapsed in on itself, and was reduced to a small localised event that occurred in a communist hippie commune in the East Midlands. Thankfully no one was hurt, and the elders of the commune say that insurance will cover the repair work.

While the East Midlands had its most exciting event since the Battle of Hastings, time got sucked through the fissure in the Himalayas and reversed by 12 months, while also travelling forward. This means that we returned to the date that the apocalypse was set to happen but the gears that caused this monstrosity to be possible have been removed, and it seems that if anything, the world is even more normal than it should have been.

Some sceptics are finding this last part hard to swallow, but one thing must be pointed out – the aliens are no longer and the world will no longer be subjected to the evil pain that is Paris Hilton in all her horribly anorexic botoxed assed glory!

Even G.N.M correspondent and Apocalypse watchdog Michael Amott is “Fucking speechless”, as he uttered at a G.N.M ‘The Apocalypse is over’ after party. We all here at G.N.M would like to thank YOU, the valued reader of this fine institution in Wellington for your support over this past year. The times were hard, and the Apocalypse was brutal, but we all fared well and “rugby was the winner on the day”. We can only hope that in the future G.N.M will be here to serve YOU your weekly dose of an inconvenient truth. G.N.M, as always, the most trusted name in weekly news.

-Dr Cullen doesn’t want to share-

Last week Finance Minister Dr Michael Cullen announced the Government surplus was up to $8,700,000,000. That’s a lot of money. But he doesn’t want you to have it. Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh.

$2.6 billion is a cash surplus; the remainder is tied up in such things as Dr Cullen’s superannuation fund or set aside for student loans. According to Dr Cullen, only $500 million of the cash surplus is not earmarked for something or other, despite the surplus being $900 million more than expected.

When asked how that could be, Dr Cullen was unusually frank. “Dude, I just love money,” he was quoted as saying. “I’m going to build a giant vault with a diving board and swim in it. Someone told me that it’s not physically possible – that coins have too much resistance or something – but that won’t stop me. I guess I’ll just pay someone to find a way to make it work. It’s not like I’m short of cash!”

Dr Cullen saw nothing wrong with the application of public funds to MPs’ private use. “I feel that I’ve earnt it. My eight years as Finance Minister have seen all kinds of good things happening in New Zealand, and I deserve the credit for that. Besides, MPs have been lining their pockets for years; everyone knows that. Just look at the 2005 election campaigns.”

In the past Dr Cullen has said that he “doesn’t need a tax cut.” No kidding. He’s rich. On the other hand, John Key wants one quite badly.

He’s even richer than Dr Cullen, but he would like to be even richer!

So remember, come elections 2008: A vote for Labour is a vote for poverty. A vote for National is a vote for the rich getting richer. A vote for the minor parties is a vote wasted.


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