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October 8, 2007 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Vatican troops and Iron Maiden fans pledge support to UN to assist in the Annihilation of the Wicked… Zombie Army.

At a press conference at 2am New Zealand time, the Vatican’s head, Chamberlain Karl Sanders, announced that after much talk with the United Nations, they would pledge their troops and their secret spies that have all been involved in the hunt for God will be pulled out and added to the force that hopes to combat the Zombie army.

In a move that was not unexpected, the seminal British heavy metal band Iron Maiden also released a press release imploring fans to gather arms and join the fight against the Zombies and their Alien Cohorts. The move was predicated by band leader and front man Bruce Dickinson, by saying that “the Irons are dedicated group, and number far higher than the Vatican can muster. I figure if we all do our part the world will survive. That’s important to us here in Maiden, because we like the world and we love our fans.”

These rather intense displays of unity among man have been based on the rising wastes that the Zombie Army have left in their wake. Pushing their way through the first stockade on northernmost points of America, the army forced its way down to the humble city of Wichita Falls.

When the Zombies arrived it was uncommon for them to be seen standing about staring into the sky, little did those who felled many of the stunned Zombies know that this was the arrival delegation of Zombies waiting for their Alien overlords who suddenly appeared and laid waste to Wichita Falls. Since then it has be a muscular push towards the capitals of many nations, but more importantly in what must be the move to the final battle, a push toward the Himalayas.

These moves have caused the combined forces of the human race to set up fortifications in Kathmandu and the other areas that the Himalayas border. Elvis has come out of his deep cover operations and has headed the American contingent with a staunch “Uh huh”, while Voltron has done his best to make travel quick down from the northernmost points of Finland, after a series of truly epic battles with the remaining Transformers force. Voltron, according to many sources, has been detained in the former Eastern Bloc attempting to help the Hillbilly Militia stem the push towards England.

In other moves, the Loch Ness Monster has been in talks with Tony Blair and the United Nations, and has pledged to assist in naval matters in the waters surrounding India. Godzilla’s natural enemy Mothra and the great Dragon of Mt Ruapehu Smaug are offering to do fly-bys.

Truly this is an interesting time people, we can see that the end is coming and the final battle is upon us, yet still no word from the nefarious wicked as to who will be their final champion in the battle for Middle Earth. Many sources have speculated that one of the Olsen twins may be in cahoots with the Alien invasion, and some wonder if she will be the one who comes to the forefront at the end. The UN is currently keeping the identity of mankind’s champion close to their chests; rumour has it that Chuck Norris is not the man for the job, despite his active role. Only time will tell.

It is now that we beseech you, the valiant reader of GNM, to go forth and offer your services to the cause. It is better to die at the hands of brain eating zombies of death than to be anal probed to death by drunken Aliens. With our own army on high alert, pray to whomever you believe can help, and for god sakes refer back to GNM’s advice about going down fighting as well as drunk. With the Apocalypse upon us, the only advice GNM can say is… Die with your boots on! And hopefully take some of those slimy motherfuckers with you.

The A-Team defeated: Osama that much closer.

During the course of the past two weeks a fierce battle for the hearts and minds of Victoria University’s student population has raged on over the Kelburn campus. The A-Team, a member of the Zombie Army of doom, and also one of the founders of the axis of evil have been defeated. Winning absolutely nothing in the elections, the students of Victoria University did well to overcome the pain of apathy and end what would have been one of the worst dominations known to man.

As a result of this stunning defeat the A-Team succumbed to a crack team of Navy seal interrogators and divulged some secrets about the potential location of Osama ‘OZZIE’ Bin laden. Little is known yet but we will keep you up-to-date, and thank the cosmos that these filthy Al Qaeda operatives have been stopped.


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