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March 3, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Coolest People in Bollywood

1. Shah Rukh Khan
2. Aishwarya Rai
3. Yo’ Mama
4. Mahatma Gandhi
5. Krishna

Definitions of ‘Environmentalist’

1. Nice people.
2. Nice people who care.
3. Nice people who care about stuff.
4. People who didn’t get the pet they wanted as a child.
5. Proof that marijuana really does rot your mind.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head… psychologically

1. Flirt outrageously all summer long, before informing him of your chastity vow – abstinence is so hot right now.
2. Complain that his masturbation makes you feel alienated.
3. Tell him you love Iron Maiden too, then spend the bulk of your relationship fitting him into indie jeans.
4. Bitterly bitch about his lack of spontaneous romanticism, and consider every act of generosity a bribe.
5. Seduce him with your eyes. Lure him to your room. Tie him to the bed with handcuffs – then go masturbate in the shower.

Ways to fuck with a boy’s head… literally

1. Put your cock in his ear
2. Use his nose as a dildo
3. Use sci-fi technology to shrink yourself and a friend down to the size of fleas, then make hot lesbian sex on his tongue. No, wait – that’s a way to fuck inside a boy’s head.
4. Criticise everything he does. Just so he has to give you great head to feel like a worthwhile human being.
5. And after he goes down on you, say “Oh, excuse me, I must go to the bathroom to remove my tampon.”

Things said in the Salient office this week

1. “I’m so straight I fuck men.”
2. “Cluster bombs look scary.” “Yeah man. They’re not very nice things.”
3. “My dream job would be to be a Jewish arms dealer in the Sudan.”
4. “Philosophy is dangerous, and I don’t recommend it.”
5. “This could be biased because I’ve hooked up with her before, but…”

Your Mama’s so fat jokes

1. Your mama’s so fat, she’s Gaia
2. Your mama’s so fat, she had to go to Seaworld to get baptised.
3. Your mama’s so fat, she’s been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, and is now a drain on the national health system.
4. Your mama’s so fat, when she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
5. There’s a moratorium on whaling your mama.


About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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