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April 28, 2008 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

The drunken ramblings of a sober man’s guide to…Relationships

“All relationships will end in at least one of four ways:

  1. Slowly fading away without reason, climax, or fanfare
  2. A painful farewell
  3. Both parties hating each other
  4. Death. So make sure the rise is worth the inevitable fall!”

– John Ziegler

Relationships are fertile ground for cunty behaviour. Having someone who is so emotionally stunted that they feel the need to be around you constantly, and who expects you to try to impress them, is great fun for someone like me. Nothing is more satisfying then explaining (post-coital of course, having finished before him/her) that you have to go and get drunk with your whorish, mildly retarded friends, and when he/she tries to explain that when you leave just after sex he/she feels used, you’re given the opportunity to unleash a verbiage of hurtful comments (“you’re just being like this because your father doesn’t love you”).

The sexual shenanigans don’t stop there: I for instance have been intrigued by the idea of ‘Fucky Punchy’ since I saw it on a mediocre TV show (starring the breast of the girl who played the youngest daughter in The Nanny). The notion of combining physical and emotional pain excited me more than a triple cunted hooker (thank you Zero Punctuation, the English language has been improved immensely by that phrase). But as I now know not everyone shares my zest for life, as the sexual partner I tried this on first certainly did not react well to this. Being a good Catholic, he/she was also appalled by my use of the phrase “Jesus titty fucking Christ” during sex. I tried to point out the irony of complaining about my using the Lord (his/her Lord, not mine)’s name in vain while we were having pre-marital sex but that didn‘t seem to make him/her more rational.

Finally he/she decided I wasn’t worth the effort and our relationship was over. He/she said I could stay until I could find a new flat but I thought it would be best if I moved out as soon as possible, even offering to find him/her a new flatmate. As I went through my list of the creepiest, sleaziest perverts I could find to replace me I came to the conclusion that relationships are more effort than they’re worth. Sure, if you find someone you ‘love’ (hah) and want to be with them a relationship is the logical conclusion BUT how many of you who are dating think you will realistically still be with this person in 18 months? People seem to rush into relationships, but I say why settle on one person; all you’re doing is eliminating your options and isn‘t university meant to be about being open to new ideas? I shall return to preying on first years from Taranaki, Nelson or New Plymouth.

“Confusing monogamy with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other error.” – George Bernard Shaw

Next week: the Drunken rambling of a sober man’s guide to… Lecture and tutorial etiquette


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