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May 12, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Guide to continuing the defence of pretension

Law: Law’s pretension has the obvious benefit of keeping out the riff raff. It maintains class structures and keeps us darkies in our place.

Clothing: See below

Modern Art: All the best artists of the past fifty years have raised the bar of pretension to almost meteoric levels. Tracey Emin, Banksy, Jasper Johns, Robert Rauschenberg, all the best modern artists are pretentious as fuck. Banksy is just graffiti, Jasper Johns is only famous for painting a flag on some rubbish and Rauschenberg was probably a wanker. As a strong supporter of postmodernism, I love its pretentious nature. It’s a world where Tracey Emin’s soiled bed surrounded by empty vodka bottles and used condoms is considered award worthy art.

What could be improved with added pretension Politics: The removal of the inarticulate members of parliament (Parekura Horomia) and the complete evisceration of the phoney ‘I’m just like you/common man’ technique of pandering to the lowest common denominator (or the C1 and lower crowd as they’re known in the UK). George W. Bush has often been maligned for his poor speaking style and ‘folksy’ nature. He’s been viciously attacked by ivory tower cocaine socialists (I’m looking at you Obama), who are quick to forget that he too enjoyed an Ivy League education. He attained his Bachelors degree from Yale and his Masters from Harvard, making him more qualified then almost all of you who read this article ever will be. His only great fault in my mind is pandering to his fellow countrymen who don’t share his academic gifts.

Porn: This should be obvious. Imagine porn with better scripts, real art direction and intertextuality (“Thank you, cum again”). How about bringing satire back into sex? I’m thinking a porn version of The Office in which Ricky Gervais’ character would do his weird dance and then ejaculate on Dawn’s face. For all you historians out there, how about historical quotes? I personally enjoy listening to Charles De Gaulle’s The Flame Of French Resistance speech while stroking my erect cock in defiance of those around me (I can only masturbate if someone else is in the room).

Drugs: Forget the relaxing nature of weed or the rave culture of ecstasy when you’re talking about how great you are after snorting coke of someone’s dick or tits (depending on your preference). All drugs would be better with a hint of pretension. Think about how great it would be to have weed connoisseurs discussing marijuana like it’s fine wine: “I taste mahogany with tinges of the laughter of small children.” Kate Moss does loads of coke and look how much hotter she is than you.

While you’ll never be as attractive as her, maybe with a coke addiction and an eating disorder you could get close (but probably not).


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