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May 26, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Historical Fightclub

Madeleine Albright

Madeleine Albright is the most fucking frightening woman ever to have the nuclear launch codes, which she stole while then-President Clinton was ‘preoccupied’. Her weapon of choice is the flamethrower. She speaks six different languages and is said to have threatened to extricate Ariel Sharon’s balls from his sack using a hunting knife and razor wire if he did not attend the Middle east Peace talks at Camp David. He did.

After the loss of three of her grandparents to the Holocaust and the later expulsion of her family from Czechoslovakia by the Communists, she grew to hate humanity and swore to get her revenge on Europe. Her family moved to America, where her violent tendencies were nurtured and encouraged by the feminazis at Wellesley College. She eventually married for money (which she would need if she were to gain control of the nation’s army), spat out a couple of kids, and gained a PhD that she would bring up during conversations to emasculate her husband, who only had BA in Communications.

She was a leading insider in the Democratic party, advising presidential nominees on foreign policy, mostly telling them to stop being such pussies and start threatening to invade Commie sons-of-bitches. She was eventually made United States Ambassador to the United Nations, during which she managed to ignore a genocide in Rwanda (too busy gearing up for her revenge on the hated Europeans). During an interview with 60 Minutes in which she was asked if the deaths of “half a million children” due to sanctions in Iraq, which is “more children than died in Hiroshima”, was “worth it?” she replied without hesitation: “The price is worth it.”

With her love of child death and general disregard for human life she was the obvious choice as the next Secretary of State, a job in which she was unanimously confirmed 99 votes to nil. The original vote was rumoured to be 97-2, but at the last minute the two Republicans who were to vote against her had a change of heart, possibly due to their transformation from baritones to sopranos in the space of an evening. Albright went out of her way to alienate Serbs and many others in the Balkans during the Kosovo and Bosnian wars. According to her memoirs, she once argued with Colin Powell for the use of military force by asking, “What’s the point of you saving this superb military, Colin, if we can’t use it?”. She was also noted for her lack of caring when it came to her embassies; after the bombings of two embassies she is reported to have shrugged this off, saying “I inherited them in the shape they were.”

Madeleine Albright was a cruel nihilist who wouldn’t be foolhardy enough to be trapped in an unwinnable thousand year war, or a losing fight. The horror, the horror.

By Haimona Peretini Gray

Condi Rice

Quietly spoken, subtle, deadly. Comfortable with all forms of modern weaponry as well as many that are ancient and even forgotten, she strides down the corridor with her trademark jackboots, her formidable intellect, and her glare, which is said to make whole nations whimper for tyrants long passed, their mummies, anyone, anyone at all who can protect them from Doom personified. House Democrats flee the grandstands in terror as she emerges into view. Senator Bob Byrd (D-WV), once the mightiest of the Klansmen, cries, and then says something senile. Condoleezza Rice is arrived. And she is prepared for battle.

It is time now to take a step back and consider some of the myths about democracy’s greatest champion. Many of them are true.

Her blood is supercooled liquid gold. She wasn’t born: she sprang fully-formed from the forehead of the Angel of Death. This much we know to be true. What is less certain is what modern physicists are telling us: that she is none other than the fifth fundamental force of nature, alongside gravity, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces, and that physical laws make it impossible for her will to be defied. Before she walked the Earth, some of her power was hinted at by Einstein in an appendix to his Theory of Special Relativity: the c in E = Mc2 stands not for celeritas, but for condi.

Rice speaks five earthly languages (English, French, Spanish, German, and Russian) and one universal one: Music. She has accompanied Yo-Yo Ma on the piano, a privilege granted only to few. She has seven honorary doctorates and one real doctorate (in ass-kicking) as well, just for fun. Her journey has been a long one, beset with the humiliations of a world that does not understand her: Rice struggled as Provost to bring some muchneeded credibility to, of all the God-forsaken institutions on this feeble joke of a planet, Stanford.

But that is her journey. Here she stands in the arena, wearing the helm of her ætherial kingdom, ready to fight, no, to execute the great pretender, Madeleine Albright. This is her destiny.

By BK Drinkwater


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