Viewport width =
July 7, 2008 | by  | in News | [ssba]

National party dawgs

The group are sitting in Pravda cafe, inner city Wellington. Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Brown, Mr. Orange, Mr. Pink, Mr. White, Joe Cabot and his son, “Nice Guy” Eddie are gathered around a table.

Mr. Brown discusses his comparative analysis on Kelis’ “Milkshake” being all about the dick.

“It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn’t do that, I’ll sign it, put it to a vote, I’ll vote for it, but what I won’t do is play ball. And as for this minimum wage bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin’ type, ‘cause if you’re expecting me to help out with the rent you’re in for a big fuckin’ surprise.”

John Key as Mr. Blonde
Bill English as Mr. Orange
Nick Smith as Mr. White
Simon Power as Mr. Pink
Tony Ryall as Mr. Brown
Judith Collins as Mr. Blue
Gerry Brownlee as “Nice Guy”
Eddie Cabot Crosby/Texter as Joe Cabot
Everything thing that is good about NZ as Marvin Nash

The action cuts quickly to the interior of a speeding car. Mr. White, driving with one hand, is trying to comfort a hysterical Mr. Orange, who has been shot in the abdomen. They arrive at the Beehive, the rendezvous point for electoral heist they just committed. Mr. White leaves Mr. Orange on the marble floor of the Beehive. Mr. Pink appears and angrily suggests that the win was a setup. Mr. Brown has been character assassinated by Labour and the whereabouts of Mr. Blonde and Mr. Blue are unknown to Mr. White and Mr. Pink.

Mr. White and Mr. Pink are enraged at Mr. Blonde, who marginalised and destroyed the hopes of many New Zealand citizens after the election results came in. They argue about whether or not to take the unconscious Mr. Orange to a hospital. The argument turns violent when Mr. White reveals that he told Mr. Orange party secrets. Mr. Blonde, who has been watching the action from the shadows, steps forward and tells them not to leave the Beehive because Nice Guy Eddie is on his way there. Mr. Blonde takes them over the road to Treasury and opens the books to reveal Marvin Nash, a collection of state-owned assets, benefits and the livelihoods of many New Zealanders that he has captured.

Mr. Pink and Mr. White brutalise Marvin, then Mr. Blonde tapes him to a chair. Eddie arrives at the warehouse and orders Mr. Pink and Mr. White to come with him to consolidate public perception that everything is going ok and get rid of any loose emails that might be leaked, while ordering Mr. Blonde to stay with the dying Mr. Orange and assets.


Marvin denies knowing anything about an electoral setup, and begs to be sliced up and sold off. Mr. Blonde then draws a straight razor from his Italian leather boot and tunes a radio to Roger Douglas “Super Sounds of the ‘80s”, which is playing “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straights. Dancing around to the music, slashes the welfare net and cuts off valuable assets.

“Listen kid, I’m not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good fuck what you know, or don’t know, but I’m gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It’s amusing, to me, to sell off assets. You can say anything you want cause I’ve heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain’t gonna get.”

He then splashes Marvin with gasoline and prepares to ignite it with his cigarette lighter when Mr. Orange shoots Mr. Blonde several times in the chest, killing him. Mr. Orange tells Marvin that it was him who was leaking information to Nicky Hager, and reassures him that a large force of press gallery journalists are in position a few blocks down the road waiting for Joe Cabot to arrive.

We see how Mr. Orange became disillusioned with the way Mr. Blonde has run the party. Joe prepares the robbery and lays out the election plan, including the scripts for what each person has to say according to what the people want to hear. The flashback then jumps to Mr. White, Mr. Orange and Mr. Brown after the election; Mr. White kills two pursuing journalists, he and Mr. Orange see that Mr. Brown has had to retire from politics due to the massive doubts about his ability to continue as an MP. They hijack a ministerial BMW 730Ld limousine but the Parliamentary Services driver shoots Mr. Orange in the abdomen. Mr. Orange shoots her back and kills her.

The remainder of the electoral heist group return to the Beehive to find a dead Mr. Blonde. Mr. Orange claims that Mr. Blonde was going to ruin New Zealand and the rest of the National Party so that he could take New Zealand’s assets for himself and his Business Roundtable buddies. Eddie doesn’t believe the story and, furious with Mr. Orange, shoots Marvin dead.

Joe walks in and tells everyone that Mr. Blue has been put down the party list, and confidently accuses Mr. Orange of being the leak to the media, forcing Mr. White to defend Mr. Orange. Joe points a gun at Mr. Orange as Mr. White points his gun at Joe. Eddie then points his gun at Mr. White, posing a South Auckland standoff. After a brief attempt at reasoning with each other, Joe shoots Mr. Orange and is then shot dead by Mr. White; Eddie shoots Mr. White, who shoots and kills Eddie. Mr. Pink, who stayed out of the party bloodletting, takes the assets and flees. We hear some faint shouting and SLR camera clicks but remain unsure whether Mr. Pink gets away or is put on trial by the journalists.

Mr. White cradles Mr. Orange in his arms and Mr. Orange reveals that he is the media leak which totally devastates his friend. Mr. White puts his gun to Mr. Orange’s head just as the journalists enter. Mr. White defies the warnings of the journalists and party faithful and shoots Mr. Orange; the journos, in turn, scoop Mr. White killing Mr. Orange.

Holiday on the Blogs

Tristan, without the weekly comfort of a page in the front of the mag to write on took to the blogs and wrote about dishonest legislation and about VUW’s decision about the Gender Studies schools.

Jackson was slack and actually used his holidays to catch up on sleep and masturbation. He blogged about some political happenings and how a con man closely resembles Milton off Office Space (like totally the best movie about corporate life ever.)

Conrad went nuts over the holidays and posted on a range of topics from computer geekiness to Clinton’s concession speech, Peter Dunne being a diddle, Rob Mugabe being a bad ass, and the brutality of rugby.

Comment of the Month

None of them. You’re all pathetic. I might start giving a prize for comment of the week… yeah… next week, if you make a good comment on the blog you can come collect a can of Red Bull from the office.


About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

Comments (4)

Trackback URL / Comments RSS Feed

  1. Adam Smith says:

    by Adam Smith


    THE annual labour of every nation is the fund which
    originally supplies it with all the necessaries and conveniences
    of life which it annually consumes, and which consist always
    either in the immediate produce of that labour, or in what is
    purchased with that produce from other nations.

    [Comment abridged by Jackson Pols. Ed. due to length (it was fucking long): if you would like to read the rest of Adam’s comment please visit this link]

  2. Adam Smith says:

    My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
    and they’re like,
    its better than yours,
    damn right its better than yours,
    I can teach you,
    but I have to charge

    [Comment abridged by Jackson Pols. Ed. due to length (it was fucking long): if you would like to read the rest of Adam’s comment please visit this link]

  3. Jackson Wood says:

    The obvious answer to Adam’s comment is Stiglitz: “the reason that the invisible hand often seems invisible is that it is often not there.” And if it is there it is probably holding a milk shake.

  4. Adam Smith says:

    Are you attempting to apply Stiglitz to my first or second comment this evening? I believe both applications would be flawed, but am prepared to engage you on only one.

Recent posts

  1. VUW Halls Hiking Fees By 50–80% Next Year
  2. The Stats on Gender Disparities at VUW
  3. Issue 25 – Legacy
  4. Canta Wins Bid for Editorial Independence
  5. RA Speaks Out About Victoria University Hall Death
  6. VUW Hall Death: What We Know So Far
  8. New Normal
  9. Come In, The Door’s Open.
  10. Love in the Time of Face Tattoos

Editor's Pick

Uncomfortable places: skin.

:   Where are you from?  My list was always ready: England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, puppy dogs’ tails, a little Spanish, maybe German, and—almost as an afterthought—half Samoan. An unwanted fraction.   But you don’t seem like a Samoan. I thought you were [inser

Do you know how to read? Sign up to our Newsletter!

* indicates required