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July 7, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

The drunken ramblings of a sober man

Here is my recollection of how I became the second person to be banned from the Salient office, and why I write this from a cell in Rimutaka men’s prison. All names were added by the sub editors as I haven’t cared enough to learn most of these people’s names.

DAY ONE Annoy Mouse – Hey Mariska Hargitay, (I had been watching a lot of Law & Order and Salient Editor Tristan Egarr does look startlingly like her) I need plane tickets, an expense account and press pass to the Democratic National Conference.

Tristan – As I’ve said before my name is Tristan, and you know I can’t give you any of those things. – But you guys paid for Cosgrove’s flight to Australia AND his special commie beard shampoo! – None of what you just said is true. – Well that’s what I read on the Salient website. – You wrote that, then you called me an asshole. – No I didn’t, spoogemaster9000 called you an asshole. – But that’s just you under a pseudonym. – I don’t even know what that word means. Listen, we can sit here all day and just make up words or you can give me my press pass, plane tickets and fucking expense account! Conrad Reyners – No one wants you around here Annoy Mouse. – Fuck you Reyners, you have a stupid name, wait… owwww shiiiit here comes my boy Cosgrove, he’ll sort you crackers out. Joel Cosgrove – Hey Tristan, why isn’t this guy wearing pants? – Even you are turning your back on me j smooth, I thought we were friends, is this how you treat a comrade? I didn’t even tell people about the time you called the members of my iwi scum! Joel Cosgrove – I’ve never met you before in my entire life, and why are you holding a picture of me with Mr T’s body? What is this, twenty questions? I’ll be back tomorrow, you peppermint twat better have my money.

And with that I strutted out, hitting one of the arts editors in face with my pimping hand and giving them the old middle finger with the other.

While normally I wouldn’t come in to the Salient office two days in a row (I‘ve got better things to do like work out and clean my guns) I thought I better clear this whole “I‘m not wasting student money flying a psychopathic drunk to New York where he‘ll probably try to stab someone” situation.

– Alright Tristram Shandy, I know we had a disagreement so as a sign of respect I’ve decided I don’t need the expense account, I’ll just bring enough hash so that I can pay my way but I will now need a kilogram of hash and someone to help me get it through customs. – If you’re going to be here you need to be quiet, we’re having an editors meeting. – Oh sorry I didn’t know… or care. Where’s my money? – I’m not giving you any money. – Well why the fuck not, you pecan bastard? – Because we don’t have those kind of recourses, and even if we did why would we send you? You’re always drunk and you send us your columns written on the backs of first years from small towns, who seem bizarrely ok with it. – Why wouldn’t they be? – You’re despicable. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. – Oh you pulling rank on me you cheeky darkie? I’ll go to my boy Patty (me and Victoria Vice-Chancellor Pat ‘Patty’ Walsh had bonded over a 40oz and our love of Wu Tang at Estab Petone a couple of months back) he’ll teach you to mess with the Mouse. – If you don’t leave now I’ll call campus security. – You don’t have the stones, you lemon meringue cunt.

Unfortunately for me he did, I was escorted off Kelburn campus by two very nice campus guards and received a trespass notice and a cease and desist letter (not from Salient or VUWSA, I‘d been writing vaguely ‘threatening’ letters to TV3 reporter Kate Roger, don‘t ask) within the week. But it wasn’t all threats of legal action and conspiracies against your favourite Salient writer. As I was being dragged off I overheard the following:

Tania Sawiki Mead -Who was that guy, Jackson? (While making obscene gestures at everyone in the room) Jackson James Wood – he is the greatest man I have ever met.

And I truly am.

Word of the Week – Defenestration (noun)

1. The action of throwing something (or someone) out of a window. From the Latin de (from; out of) and
fenestra (window or opening).

The word was coined in the aftermath of the “Defenestration of Prague,” which occurred on 21 May, 1618. Two Catholic deputies to the Bohemian national assembly and a secretary were tossed out the window of the castle of Hradshin and into a moat by Protestant radicals, marking the start of the Thirty Years’ War.

2. (UK) High profile removal of a person from an organization.

“Be that as it may, his defenestration was coldly abrupt, and in his place, the Football Association resurrected a veteran manager and former England star in Joe Mercer for seven games.” —Sunday Times, September 4, 2005

3. (neologism) The act of removing Windows operating system from a computer in order to install an alternative one.

fenestra: Some linguists link fenestra with Gk. verb phainein “to show;” others see in it an Etruscan borrowing, based on the suffix -(s)tra, as in L. loan-words aplustre “the carved stern of a ship with its ornaments,” genista “the plant broom,” lanista “trainer of gladiators.”


French: défenestration f
German: Fenstersturz m, Defenstration f
Greek: ekparathýrosi f
Polish: defenestracja f
Portuguese: defenestração f


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