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August 4, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Asexual – Sex tourist at me doorstep

I got seriously greased the other day at work. Maybe I asked for it, I do work in *gulp* executive retail. It’s a pretty cosy job, and because I try to actually do my job, I also have to be nice to people. The ball-crushing, corporate dyke type is one of my favourites. But just because I’m such a trooper, I also include all the sex tourists who come into my shop, the most recent of whom tried to coerce me into a tangy Malaysian blow job in the changing room. Is there really something about my job that suggests that just because I work in an environment where one has full reign to try their wait-til-FairGo-hears-about-this-poorservice attitude on me, they can also treat me as consumable in any other regard? Well after a few lolcanoes and reflective discussions on the subject, I think not.

I felt sullied. Needlessly melodramatic as usual. But still, sullied. I could have used this badly crafted segue to ease me into a number of topics. The pink dollar. Sex tourism. South East Asians with an eye for corporate fashion… Nah, today’s romp will be on asexuality. Asexuality is the lost art of, essentially, having no sexuality. Asexuality, despite this seemingly simple pretext, is very poorly understood, and just like all queer issues, won’t be understood until it is acknowledged and made visible to the public. Unfortunately for the cause, asexuality isn’t often featured in a lot of queer rhetoric, mostly, I figure, because it isn’t taken seriously or isn’t as steamy as gay queer issues, like Bebo.

Asexuality is effectively invisible and I’m happy to be proven wrong on any of the following bold statements. There’s no marketing towards asexuals, no songs written for them specifically, and no bars. Because there’s so much sex present in the media and advertising, sex (especially hetero) becomes so entrenched in what we associate with music, partying and buying clothes and cars and drinks, that anything contrary or non-sexual is relegated to the not-sexually-active heap. In this process, asexuality is seen as a negative and encumbered existence, with no room for stereotypically youthful things like passion and sex. I think it must be very difficult to try and fit in as a young asexual, and probably rather confusing.

Young people who are not sexually active are often criticised for being so, and a big negative emphasis is put on virginity. In the eyes of others, the line between not wanting any and not being able to get any is so blurry it ostensibly doesn’t exist. In respect of someone who may in fact be unknowingly asexual, or just someone who does not feel ready to have sex, it would be a sex-positive thing to promote psychologically safe sex. I know a lot of young people, gay people particularly, who, in the face of various existential dilemmas, have somewhat turned off their sexual feelings in what they might call, and I myself have called, an asexual phase. So sure, lots of us have these feelings, but it’s unfair to call asexuality a phase, as it detracts from the experiences of people who are asexual all their lives. So what if the 40-year-old virgin was a 40-year-old asexual? You don’t always have to have a taste to know you don’t like it.

Personally, I could talk or not talk about sex for hours and still find sex to not talk about. If this interests you, there’s Asexuality Aotearoa, Gerald the asexual receptionist from Shortland Street, and of course UniQ! Yay! Aroha nui.


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  1. Unknown says:

    I am a 12 year old asexual and it is already very hard for me. There is no belief or support in my sexuality and people obsess over gay people. I wish someone would just realize I’m not lying. Most kids are actually jealous that I will always be a virgin.

  2. Your Name says:

    I’m an 18 year old asexual, and I have to say being asexual is depressing. It’s hard not to be when the sex world is omnipresent around you. It’s like someone kicked you out of your house after you finished growing up. But I am beginning to realize that I may be a romantic asexual. This possibility makes me feel so much better because that’s all I ever envied sexual people for anyway–their ability to form strong connections. That possibility makes a world of difference to me.

  3. Terry says:

    Hi all, I’m Terry and I am a 23 year old geological engineer.

    I have tried to love women, intimately – even men – but it’s just useless!

    The best relationships I have had have been with men. I like real men, not sissy boys – but I only want to be mates. Loathe to admit that I tried one time going further with Garry, when we were drunk. But I felt nothing – nothing! Only discomfort and a little pain.

    And then Garry went around telling everyone I had asked him to fuck me. That I was a homo! But I’m not a homosexual – I’m an homomatual, if anything, and that’s it. I hope I haven’t offended any gay people. It’s just that I find what you do disgusting. I find what heterosexual people do disgusting too, so don’t go feeling like an embattled minority.

    Anywho, now with all the rumors flying around (thanks Gary – should I tell the boys who initiated it?!), I’m finding it increasingly difficult to justify my complete non-interest in things sexual. Last week we were drinking on the porch, about four of us old uni friends, and Mark got our some porno. It disgusted me, but I had to force myself to like it. That night we went out on the town and I picked up a chick, but made sure I got too drunk to perform when we got back to her place. But I can’t keep up the charade any longer. Too many times I’ve been cornered now with a soppy surprise in the middle of the night. Imagine your worst night terrors made flesh and you’ll have some idea of my situation.

    If there’s a girl out there that feels the same way…. please leave me your contact details. I’m handy with fixing things, make good coin, and can be a good conversationalist, unlike so many other guys, because I’m not always thinking about tits. If I stare at your tits, you can know for sure with me that I only like their shape. If I stare at another ladies tits, you can be sure I have no intention to cheat!

    And I think I’d be a great father. Medical science will arrange that for us. Just don’t expect me to change any nappies. There’s no way I’m going near any miniature alien tentacles – not no way not no how. You can leave me to do the dishes and the mopping up.

    look forward to hearing from you


  4. Terry says:

    One last thing: looks do matter to me, strangely. Though I’m never going to touch you – ever – I don’t want my kids to have to grow up ugly.

  5. Terry says:

    I can’t barely stand to hold my own penis at the urinal.

    God it’s good to get this off my chest.

  6. owen says:

    25 y/o dendrophiliac male, enjoys long moonlit walks in the bush, changing rooms with large wooden mirrors, timber houses. Seeks similar.

  7. Terry says:

    We are here – hear us!

    Come on, A-team – let’s step up and make some noise!

  8. owen says:

    I love yew

  9. Gohan_Aro_01 says:

    HAH. Sex. Who needs that when you have The Wire and Gregory House MD?

    That’s when I turned to my very own doctor and said: “Fever? Aches? Weakness? Loss of appetite? Been having any anal sex with I.V. drug users lately?”

    She broke down and cried in my arms for an hour and, for no extra fee, she let me do her in the bottom. HAH. Slut.

  10. owen says:

    I wood do that for tree.

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