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October 6, 2008 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Great News – A Change is coming

The polar ice caps could be gone by 2013, allowing the water to heat up, and releasing extra effective warming gases from the permafrost as a bonus. This can only be a good thing, as heating bills go down for most households; anyone less than 80 metres above sea level gets a free full-indoor-Jacuzzi; and prime locations such as Canada and New Zealand get a chance to increase agricultural profits as crops fail across India, Africa, and other Third World destinations. The poles will not be missed, nor will the pollen on bees, or the fish in the sea.

This illustrates perfectly why the 2008 elections are so, so vital. When was the last time a bee gave you a tax cut? What have the fish done to crack down on gangs? That’s right. Nothing. They just swim around all day, blowing bubbles and having gay sex (probably). As for those poles, they’re soft on terrorism. I believe they truly want us to lose the war on terror, just so they can say I told you so.

So remember when you cast your vote this election – if you cast your vote (I probably won’t bother. I think The Swearing Chef is on TV that day) – to make it count, and vote for those issues that affect you. Vote for the family.

The human family. Not the bee family. Not the fish family. Not the African, the Indian, or the Jupiter family. Vote for the good old, hard-working New Zealand family.

As the saying goes: the family that cares about themselves, shares about themselves. The good healthy heterosexual family that does not know the meaning of contraception is the family of the future. These are the ones we need more of. Mothers, keep popping them out, and fathers, keep beating them until they learn the ways of the world. Tell ‘em “It’s a tough place sonny and only the strong survive. But rejoice, laddy, because we are at the top of the food chain!”

This land is your land, this land is my land, and we must protect it from foreigners. That is why it is essential we arm ourselves to the teeth. Don’t think those Africans won’t place the blame squarely on us when climate change causes crop failure and mass starvation. It will be the white man’s burden to close the floodgates and turn them back, even nuke ‘em if it’s called for. Such heroic leaders of the Free World as the UK and USA are already investing in record-sized defence arsenals for this very purpose. We should follow their lead and buy all the protection we can afford. If every one of you were to spend less on those phony energy-saving light bulbs, and more on nuclear weapons, the world would be a safer place for your children to grow up in.

When the time comes, and you stand before that ballot box, covered in goo, you’ll know what to do! Vote for change you can believe in. Hope your heart out. Make believe in the future. And watch your worries just melt away.

Week in Politics:

Helen Clark and John Key are the same person. Not really but apparently they colluded to shut the minor party leaders out from televised debates.

George Hawkins was bashed with a bible. Literally. Some old dude whacked him on the noggin.

Tax cuts kick in. Fuck yeah. Average student gets about half a hand job’s worth extra in their pocket a month! GO CAPITALISM.

Jim Anderton announces JAP list. Fewer people care than about VUWSA elections. FAIL.

PIRATES! Fuck yeah. Capturing ships off Somalia. WOWZA! Too long have the seas languished unpirated.

Congress stop a bailout bid for USA banks. Banks cry. America’s rich slightly less rich. America’s poor a whole lot poorer. Nice knowing you!

Week on the Blogs

Quiet week on the blogs. Laura McQuillan posted her views on the VUWSA candidates for President.

Jackson posted about the Christchurch Polytech’s ex Manager who allegedly committed fraud and advertised the jobs for Salient next year.

Dr. Manglethwaite, hopes of becoming VUWSA president dashed, proved his loyalty to Sean Connors by posting about his Wikipedia win in the elections.

We also posted the VUWSA election results. No one cared.

The blogs will be taking a short break over exam period but should be back in time for the election. So keep coming to the site!

Comment of the Week

Michael Oliver on Connors 4 Prez winz our heartz, Oh yeah, the much lauded and championed VUWSA “democratic process” came to a screeching halt the moment that completely serious edit hit the Wikipedia news stand.

Are you fucking kidding me?


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