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October 6, 2008 | by  | in Features | [ssba]

How to Procrastinate Efficiently

“Our appeal goes like this: The myth that the earth is round has been the result of a sustained conspiracy by both governments and the likes of NASA for centuries. Flat Earthers like us have continued the battle, but we’ve been a lone voice.”

What you have just read is a quote from the leader of the Flat Earthers, Mr Nathaniel Pipe-Blower, Tzar and 33rd degree Grand Wizard Master of the First Inverted Pancake Lodge of the Totally Awesome Flat Earth Society Limited.

So the earth is flat! Wow! I didn’t know that! Why doesn’t someone tell me these things? Look, this column was going to be about procrastination, but I’ll fill you in on that later. Right now I want to get you thinking about this zany world we’re on. It’s a crazy place these days, and I feel it is my obligation to share some incredibly important facts with you. Unlike most facts you already know, these facts are true.

I mean, who knew that NASA has been around for centuries? The government has been hiding the truth from us all along, I knew it! Telling us the world is round, like a Rubik’s cube! When it is really flat like a badminton ball! I suppose next they’ll be telling us that Santa isn’t real! While I was sitting here getting drunker and drunker they were inventing how to put gravity on the flat! And it makes perfect sense because gravity wouldn’t work if the earth was round! Gravity is expensive, man!

Well don’t worry, Mr Pancake-Inverty-Blower, there is another here to support your cause! An individual, rugged, manly, romantic voice, like the hero in a western movie, telling truth in a world of lies! Yes I, Guy Armstrong of Salient magazine of Victoria University am now a Flat Earther! And I’m subscribing all the other Salient staff here to the Flat Earth Society! I nominate Political Editor Jackson Wood as Wellington Flat Earth Society Treasurer! Hang on, is that the money one? Aaaah… actually, I’ll be that one. I also bagsed president before.

So how did the Flat Earth Society convince a genius like me to join? And I’m a smart one, trust me. I mean I only failed two of my three papers last semester. Well let me tell you my dear sceptical reader. A quick look on the Flat Earth webpage aroused my suspicion. First off, the introductory article they had written asked me to take a look out my window, which I did, once I had opened it. And sure enough… Now I wouldn’t have guessed that the earth was flat, I always thought it was round, like a pie, or a beer. I actually feel like having a beer right now. Gimme beer. Now. Gimme. So I need to take time here to thank the Flat Earth Society for awakening me to the truth, and my fridge for the beer. Now come on, students, let’s all wake up here and realise the earth is flat. We’ve been in the dark too long.

Another bunch of interesting people are some lovely, friendly Americans I met online who proved to me, using these cool sock puppets, that the earth is only six thousand years old! Wow! As a biologist I was always thought it was at least ten! Remember the old legend? Prince Charles, of Darwin, Australia, who invented the universe ten thousand years ago? Man, I have got to tell Paul TS, our bio HOD super quick! Let me pass on the proof to you first though:

[Six thousand] – [five thousand] X (Because the Bible said so) = 1 (Number of dinosaur fossils hidden in the Vatican)

Where six thousand is the actual age of the earth, and five thousand because earth has five letters, and ends with a “TH” just like “TH”ousand starts, so it’s mathematically the circle of life. One is what we call a true number. Like in stats where if you get p = 1 it means you are certain at a 100% level that stats is boring. You looney Round Earthers can freak out as much as you want, it won’t change the mathematical stuff.

Secrets of the universe aside, let’s talk about you and your assignment that you are supposed to hand in at the start of this morning’s lecture and you haven’t even started yet. Naturally, you are worried. You are apprehensive and scared.

Well there’s no need to feel like that! Seriously, my friend, relax! You’ve come to the right place!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the master of procrastination. I am the leading world expert. So stop worrying about handing in that essay, because I, a university uber-L33t-super-hero known only as THE PROCRASTINATOR, have come along to save your sorry behinds by teaching you a few of my secrets. Around the campus I am feared by all lecturers who don’t like giving extensions, and loved by the students who always miss their morning lectures. Well I would be if I showed up. I haven’t really been in the mood this week, but don’t worry, I’ll definitely be in tomorrow. Promise.

Yes people, when I teach you the lost secrets, such as my infamous “Wikipedia=>Copy&Paste” manoeuvre you will never have to worry about essays again. And boy, you’re just going to love how I sleep through exams and tests, and still get the highest marks with my patented but as yet unrecognised “Sleeping With Anyone and Everyone” technique.

Let me demonstrate how good I am at procrastination: I have an essay due in tomorrow morning at ten o’clock, and I haven’t even started it yet. I haven’t even looked at the assignment sheet, so I don’t even know what it’s about. This is an important technique, because it helps you to stay relaxed – I mean if you know what it’s supposed to be about, you’re going to worry and stress about it for ages. Keep your mind clear, grasshopper. All you should know is the due date. Let me demonstrate this system for you: It’s 7:45 pm right now, so that gives me roughly… hmmmmm… seven + ten + p.m. + forty = seventeen hours and forty seconds, pm, Greenwich x 10-3 to finish and begin it. So it’s just simple physics, really. I’ll start it soon, I just want to get my Diablo II character up to Level 24 so I can get Werehunger and Summon Volcano skills. But yeah, I’ll start it soon.

Actually I’ll start it tomorrow. I’ll be nice and clear headed tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day; and I don’t want to start my essay with today’s stress still in my head, you know? I mean my Diablo II character died three times today, and I lost a really cool helmet that gave +8 to strength and +25% Poison Resistance. But yeah, I’ll definitely – absolutely positively start it tomorrow.


You know, I’ve been so busy typing this article up for you, that I haven’t been able to start my essay yet. But that’s okay. I’ll get stuck into it tomorrow. And sure, I’ll get ten percent off for handing it in a day late, but I am so clever I reckon I can hammer out a perfect essay – piece of piss mate. So I’ll still get ninety percent, which is way higher than most people.

So I better take myself out to brunch as a reward for studying so hard. I’ll have a slice of pizza, two flat whites, a cappuccino, chips, caramel slice and a feijoa and lemon tart with lime dripping and ox hoof sauce. And five more beers. And some vodka.

* * *

Well, that sure was a big lunch, and to be honest, I feel a bit too bloated to go and study right now. I just don’t think that would be very good, so I better just rest up. I’ll start my essay tomorrow, after some downtime. Proper R&R is crucially important when exams are coming up and essays are due. Although I better keep my brain active. Hmmmm… I suppose Diablo II would keep my mind focused and my assignment-writing finger reflexes sharp…

* * *

Now are you ready for the ancient essay writing secrets from the lost Tibetan book of the Library of Alexandria? I’m not sure this is something that all you fruity backwards Round Earthers will understand, but I’ll try to tell you anyway. Come close so I can whisper it into your ear. If there’s people around you and you don’t want them to hear, just roll the page up and put it in your ear. If it comes out the other ear, this is really good, you are supremely gifted, because all the secrets will drip off the page and into your brain. This is how I do all my reading. Okay, so the secret is that both beginning and finishing are really easy. The beginning is easy because you just put your name and student ID, and the finish is easy because you just have to print it. And that is just so what is everyone freaking out about, man?

Now let’s examine the mathematical formula involved here, because this is a science, like physiques, or working at McDonalds or KFC. There are procedures here.

Where C is the number of cups of coffee you’ve had so far tonight to help you do an all-nighter, and B is the Boredom Constant in sighs per sentence when you proofread your essay, and realise how boring it is. H is how hungover you are – give yourself five if you can move, three if you can keep food down, and ten if you can’t move without puking; award an extra two points per STD obtained and friendship destroyed the night before. Msl is of course the number of times you’ve left your memory stick in the cybercommons this semester. So have you added it all up yet? The number you’ve got is the amount of time you’ve wasted reading this article, in minutes per cubic scaffolding metre within the hydrogen bond of the carboxy terminal, down the hallway, hang a right, then it’s the third cubicle on the left. Watch out for George Michael! Now: no matter what that number is, just roll over and go back to sleep. You’re writing an essay, not a clock face! Now load up Diablo II and trash the Catacombs level. Watch out for the Apparitions, though! They’ll steal all your mana! Quick! Equip your ranged weapon!

Now here is how to get out of exams: Get a friend to mangle your foot with a shotgun or a crowbar or something. Then hobble along to the doctor and get a note. Then hobble over to your lecturer the day after the exam and tell them that you were RIGHT OUTSIDE the exam room when a fridge fell out of the sky and landed right on your foot because of the university’s totally ineffectual gravito-appliance policy that you had been campaigning to have changed for years, you did warn them, but did they listen? – well of course not, and you REALLY WANTED to sit the exam, and ten of your classmates had to pull you away from writing your Totally Killer Essay on why Studylink should increase the accommodation supplement, even though you are studying history. Your friends took one look at your foot/fridge hybrid and rushed you to hospital, where you were dosed with morphine which made you forget everything you’ve learned so far in that paper so they will have to give you like another month of revision time to be fair, or they could just let you pass regardless, which would be heaps easier on everyone involved. This will work, man.

So the key steps to efficient procrastination are:

Get your Diablo II character up to Level 30 as quick as possible. Good places to level up are the Arcane Sanctuary and Upper and Lower Kurast. Heaps of magic items there. In Baldur’s Gate II, you need a Rogue Stone to get through the magic door in the Bridge District to fight the evil Brotherhood of the Rune. Keep your mind free by not worrying about what your assignment is about. I’ll tell you the fourth point later. Fallout 3 is out in September. Meshuggah is 10 October. See you at Carcass on the 15th as well.

So I guess that’s all from me this week. I’d better go, I’ve got so much on, you know? Sorry I wasn’t at the study group today, but I’ll be there tomorrow. Promise.

Guy Armstrong worships a giant penguin in his backyard every midnight to give him super studying powers, so actually he can’t make it to the study group tomorrow, but he’ll DEFINITELY be at the next one. All you wacky Round Earthers can see him then.


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Comments (3)

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  1. Jack's Pacific says:

    This needs moar penis.

  2. Paul baggs says:

    you need to seek profesinal help, such jibberjabber is not tollerated in this world… go back to pluto

  3. Guy A says:

    I would just love to make a joke about actually coming from Uranus, but I am far far too tasteful. (I’m actually from Alpha Centauri, millions of light years ago into the future

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