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October 6, 2008 | by  | in Features | [ssba]


It is that time of year isn’t it. All the kids love it. We all sit in the grassy knolls anticipating the end of another academic year. Everything seems clearer, lighter and inexplicably nicer. Sigh… a Salient Feature Writer and bad ass muthafucker shares a bit of parting third year wisdom by letting you know what you should do and where you should go this Summer.


Work– I do not care how huge your overdraft is. Do not, under any circumstances, work full-time. Just no! You are going to be working full time for the rest of your life. You have all the time in the world to be a slave to the man. My advice is prolong that as long as possible. If you want cash to pay for pesky things like rent, candy and hookers by all means get a part time job. But nothing that remotely resembles responsibility; you’re in the prime of your youth and this is the time to eat, drink and be merry in the beautiful sunshine. Not get up at 7am for a daily commute to some bollocksy internship where you’re over-worked and under-appreciated. Never, I repeat, never work at a factory over the summer. In first year I worked a 40 hour week at an Ingham’s chicken factory. My main job consisted of counting to 12 for eight hours a day, day in day out. I also got to experience the wonders of seeing the chicken alive pecking around in their transporting truck and know the next time I would see them they would be hanging headless, featherless and raw on a green coat hanger like conveyor belt. Worst of all it felt like I did not have a summer at all.

[Ed – Working fulltime is okay if you’re on an orchard. Trees!]

Spend your summer on the couch– It seems like common sense but many of us do fall into the trap of lazing and moping around our parent’s house like 16-year-old little shits. It may feel comforting for a short amount of time but, make no mistake, this will destroy your soul! There are only so many times you can watch Sponge Bob Square Pants or one of the History Channel’s numerous docos on Hitler before you explode from the banality of it all. Also, your parents will drive you crazy. Yeah yeah, you love your parents and the comforts of home, but because you have lived away from them for a substantial amount of time the novelty will wear off fast. You’ll remember why you wanted to get the hell out of there in the first place.

Fucken Blazed alone like all time– Lame. Just lame. Yeah getting stoned can be fun but do not turn it into an anti-social activity. That is no way to spend your summer. Sometimes being in good company in the sunshine can be just as ‘phat.’ You do not want to be the person alone in their room getting stoned, painting and pondering life when you could be living it.

Worrying over your shitty grades– Repeat after me: Put it in a bubble and blow it away. It just does not matter. University is a crock of shit anyway and in the big scheme of things it does not really matter.


TRAVEL– Even if it’s just around New Zealand. I do not care if you do not have any money. Beg, burrow or steal! My suggestion is take out the rest of your course-related costs right now! Get the courserelated cost form and tick the travel box. That way you’re not strictly lying and you do not need quotes or proof of purchase. Three days later there will be money in your bank! Thank you Aunty Helen! New Zealand is host to some pretty awesome places which you must see before you frolick overseas:

Whangamata– Not during the New Years period as you will be smothered by drunken 16-year-old girls who will most likely be vomiting on each other. It has an awesome beach with an island you can walk on to during low tide. It also has the estuary which has sand as white as snow and currents as strong as Dr Peter Manglethwaite’s stench, which is dangerously fun.

Cook Beach– Stunning! The views are truly beautiful. Plus you can drink on the beach and noone gets angry.

Taupo– Grab some friends and a tent and head to Taupo. Seriously! It has free camping along the Huka Falls river which is crystal clear and great for swimming as long as you don’t, like, go over falls.

Read books you have always wanted to read– Sounds silly I know but you get so busy during the year you do not have time to read what you want.

Get active– I am not saying you should be like those fitness freaks who jog up Mount Victoria (those self-righteous fucks – I hope they get arthritis or herpes) but do something fun and outdoorsy. Wellington offers plenty of options such as kayaking around the harbour (stay out of the shipping lanes. Do not be like me and almost get hit by the Interislander), rock climbing and a number of tranquil bushwalks. If you’re a vampire and the sunlight scares you then restrict your active dexterity to the night. Why not join a dance class? As long as you do not take yourself too seriously it will only be mildly humiliating. You could always get your ninja on and go to tae kwon doe, karate, kickboxing or something!

Final Point: Just do it! Whoa Nike slogan… I did not even mean to do that! That just goes to show how much big corporations take over your mind an’ shit. That was a bit of a rant I am sorry but I should be able to rant because I’m worth it. Damn it L’Oreal! I digress, just do not be like me and waste your summers whilst you’re young and good looking.


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  1. Pharque II says:

    “Just do it! Whoa Nike slogan… I did not even mean to do that! That just goes to show how much big corporations take over your mind an’ shit”

    More to the point it shows how big corporations steal good things from us & make us think, through association, that they thought of them first, & with their blatant overuse the phrases, songs, tunes, etc that we used to love become meaningless.

  2. Jenna Powell says:


  3. Electrum Stardust says:


    In a Paint Factory.

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