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March 9, 2009 | by  | in Features | [ssba]


Meat, oh glorious meat, isn’t it a wonderful taste, texture and scent? Did you know that some DNA strands from the meat that you consume bonds parasitically to cells in your stomach and/or gut? I know! Freaky Fridays or what?! So, what I’m saying here, is that if you want to gain some sort of sympathetic mutagenetic bond with another animal, a la the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, or the “Street Sharks”, the only sure way to do so is to eat meat with its DNA still active; the rarer the better. Which is why I’m here today to give you the recipe for White Rhino Kitfo, because, of all those hard-to-find animals, Rhino’s are perhaps the most hardcore things to become a manimal with. Other great options include sea otters, gilla monsters and takahe. Don’t worry about the takahe, as long as you get it from a reputable wild foods seller there is no risk of salmonella, and they all have less E. Coli bacteria than you’d find in an average barn reared pig. Excitement I know. The good thing about eating an endangered species is that it is priceless, which means it is without price, or “free.” Cool beans, eh? Sometimes the poor can afford to eat like kings too.

Kitfo is essentially a spicy African tartar, served with clarified butter and cheese. Well, let’s not give all the credit to “Africa,” it’s specifically from Ethiopia, so get stuffed you Eritrean skivers, you’ve done fuck all for the last seven centuries and I’ll be stuffed if you think you’re getting any gratitude from this guy over kitfo. Okay? Sometimes the cheese and cooked green vegetables are added into it. Authentically, it’s served on a naan like Ethiopian flat bread, so if you just use your bread at home you’ll suddenly realise that what you’ve got is raw cheesy rhino mince on toast. With spices. See? It’s going to be just a piece of piss!

Select your meat.

Ideally, you’d want to use a piece of tenderloin, but sometimes life gets in the way, and there just aren’t any tasty tender pieces of rhino (or sea otter) lying around. Don’t worry, just make sure that you substitute a piece of lean meat without any silvering or sinew, because that’s chewy and gross when raw. If you get a piece with some, first beat your butcher and then just trim it off and feed it to your neighbour’s guard dog. The more it likes you the easier it will be to break into his or her house and steal their valuable cooking supplies. Saffron is worth more than its weight in gold, so target those yuppies who haven’t started sprogging yet, they still have a disposable income and a taste for the finer things in life. Now, it is okay to not use the best parts of rhino. While it is true that a sirloin piece won’t be as soft and tender as tenderloin, the taste will be stronger and therefore extra delicious. Delicious! Besides, do you think an authentic Ethiopian would care that much about which piece of rhino they were eating? Ethiopia is in an artificially aided famine, so no, they wouldn’t. It’s a fact. Unless, they were a rich Ethiopian, but they’re all regime-supporting dicks anyway. Fact.

Chop it up.

Now, best practice is to be a professional chef with two great big knives wailing holy vengeance down on your piece until it’s a rough mince. So, go, get formal qualifications, or just use a food processor, or if you’re too poor to even have that, then just cut it like an onion. It’ll take ages, but whatever method you choose, you should know that I’ll wait for you. You know, like in that movie where that woman waits for that guy, who was away at war, and then he comes back and he’s all shell shocked because he’s French and there isn’t any formal psychoanalytical or pharmaceutical way to help him. That was a mint flick y’all. Anyway, eventually, you’ll get something that looks like mince. I guess you could just use mince actually.

Cheese Chop.

You know what you just did with that meat? Do it with cheese too, you want something mild and a little chewy, so go soft, consider going almost brie soft, it’s an interesting texture. I’ve used Edam before and it didn’t suck. Now ideally, you’d want to use some sort of Ethiopian cheese, possibly made with rhino milk. You know, for luck. While you’re there also chop up some spring onions, or if you’re feeling adventurous, blanch some spinach, and then chop it up along with a quarter of a white onion. Rub a bit of the onion in your face. You know, for luck.

Butter and spices.

Now you can clarify your own butter, but why would you? It’s way way way cheaper to purchase clarified butter. One time I found this Indian store that specialised in Indian things, and right next to a bucket of unwashed poppyseeds was a bucket full of little plastic bags of clarified butter. One of them had got a hole in it from the sun and was slowly seeping amber coloured fat water. I remember being mesmerised by that, remembering the time I squeezed a pimple too hard and lymph juices started oozing. Now that you have your clarified butter, pop it into a pan with some berbere seasoning, fresh garlic and fresh ginger. When you taste the concoction, you’ll thank me for forcing you to use fresh ingredients, you ignorant sluts. Berbere, if you have to make your own, is just ground and mixed chilli peppers, dry ginger, cloves, coriander, allspice, rue berries and ajwain. If you don’t have ajwain, and you probably don’t as you’re poor and unlovable, substitute it with thyme and caraway seeds. It won’t be exact, but is similar enough that your skanked out palette won’t know the difference. Fact. Heat this up until it’s starting to act like hot oil, because that will release all of the aromatics which will make the rhino meat taste less like gamy rhino stuff and more like farm reared rhino, like what you get at the zoo after a rhino dies and you bribe a guy to give you a bit of the haunch even though it’s culturally inappropriate and should have just been used to feed the lions or something, I don’t know, how do zoos work? It’s a mystery, there just isn’t enough information about zoo’s in today’s unsaturated media market. Maybe if we all showed a little more interest in zoological gardens, and took time to examine them, maybe send in a camera crew or three, we’d be in a more enlightened society. We don’t, so it’s our own fault now isn’t it? Yeah, it is.


Now, mix your cheese and your meat and your veggies together in a big bowl with a little salt, and maybe some berbere seasoning if you think that you won’t puss out. When you’re ready quickly dump about a half cup of the butter over the meat and keep stirring. Use your hands if you’re not terrified of boiling oil, otherwise improvise a little. Serve on the bread, and have a beer. Sit back and wait for the rhino to become a part of who you are. If you’re lucky you might end up like Rocksteady from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you’re unlucky you’ll have to go out and buy a shitty looking rhino suit, like “The Rhino” wears in Spiderman. He’s fat. I don’t like fat people very much.


Feel free to add more butter, berbere or cheese to your mince on toast. Authentic Ethiopians don’t have to worry too much about their thighs. Well, the authentically rich ones do, but the rich are just a better class of person than us. The End. Do you write the end at the end of articles? I dunno.



About the Author ()

Nic Sando is a god amongst men, fifteen fathoms high he be, with strange and wyrd powers at his disposal. Only a fool won't harken his ears to the east when he hears The Sando man stumping his way.

Comments (3)

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  1. Edward says:

    What the blazes is this rubbish?

  2. Jed Rondo says:

    rhino for dinner, eddie. shut up and eat.

  3. Mengi says:

    add my email i will tell you something . you have a lot of things to add

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