Ways to hide depression

1. Sports.
2. Drinking.
3. An obsession with Sylvia Plath.
4. Force a smile on your gob and whistle in your step.
5. Just fade into the background, you’ll do it anyway.

Plays on swine flu

1. Swhine Flu.
2. Sriesling Flu.
3. S-why-do-no-white-people-die-from-this Flu.
4. Pigs Flew.
5. Pigs are Scarier Than Birds so this is more likely to induce mass panic Flu.

Products made from Pig

1. Snikts, pork crackling snacks.
2. Brawn, it’s pig jelly with bits.
3. Human substitute in ballistics tests.
4. Your mum.
5. Bacon-flavoured mayonnaise.

Trees

1. Tea tree.
2. Phone tree.
3. Money tree.
4. Nickle-nackle tree.
5. Dysentry.

Cute web animals

1. Sneezing baby panda.
2. Spaghetti cat.
3. That cupcake dog.
4. まる! (Maru!)
5. Slow loris.

Groups of people I’ve been asked not to upset

1. My step family.
2. The Chinese.
3. Ken Orr.
4. Sad people.
5. The Hard Deaf.

Best New Zealand Christian bands that don’t admit it anymore

1. Stereogram.
2. Brooke Fraser.
3. Supergroove.
4. The Deceptikonz.
5. Ken Orr and the Abortionists.

Headlines upon John Key’s ousting as PM

1. “Key — Cut.”
2. “Key — Locked Out.”
3. “Keystone of National Party Falls.”
4. “Out of Key.”
5. “Politician Seeks New Post: Keen?”

Causes of kitchen fires

1. Not looking while cooking.
2. Looking too intently while cooking.
3. Smoking when trying to gas yourself to death.
4. Letting toddlers make flambéd anything.
5. Arson.

Foods of oppression

1. Lamb Flaps.
2. Water melon.
3. Fried Chicken.
4. Palm Oil.
5. Breast Milk.