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July 20, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Contents of this article to be filled by whoever sits in the News Editor’s chair following his departure.

In a bizarre and unfortunate twist of fate, Salient Chief Sub‑Editor and teh grammerz columnist Michael ‘Mikey’ Langdon was last Tuesday evening briefly made to act as Salient’s News Editor, a position “awash with dignity and respect”, which Langdon unreservedly admits he was undeserving of.

Upon leaving the Salient office that Tuesday morning, News Editor and Sasquatch look-alike Michael Oliver left a document open on his computer, reading:

“Contents of this article to be filled by whoever sits in the News Editor’s chair following his departure.

By [name]


Later that day, Langdon wandered inadvertently over to Oliver’s computer to get a closer look at what Designer Rory Harnden was doing.

“I wuz jus’ wantin’ to see wut Rorsky wuz doin’, on fotoshup an’ stuff. It looked cool, an’ stuff. Then I saw that Sas… Emjayoh [Oliver] had maed me news biatch,” Langdon said.

“I wuz ready too cry. I jus’ wanted to have go home an’ drink my whiskey an’ sider. I’d had done me second—me fuckin’ second!—grammar colmun that weak. Juckson didont liek teh first wun cos he reckon’d I wuz to drunk wen I rote it, teh hipocrite. And then I had to0 rite sum more.”

Complaining to Editor Jackson Wood, Langdon was confronted with a barrage of insults and Zeppelin-related commentary. “He sed, ‘Fuck off! Look, I don’t want to hear your problems. I’m learning about Zeppelins. Did you know that Britain had an Imperial Airship Scheme to establish flight connections between Britain and its colonies?’

“I wuz jus’ liek, no Juckson, I didont no that, chur.”

After typing some insults at Oliver vaguely disguised as a news article, Langdon was free to leave. But the seventeen hours it took him to finish the 300-word story has left him angry and disillusioned.

“Fuck, last tiem I evar speek to him evar!!! Not that I speek too him neway.”


About the Author ()

Mikey learned everything he knows about English Grammar in an MSN chat room when he was 13. Believing that people don't say "LOL" enough in everyday conversation, he has made it his mission to teach the world about grammerz one person at a time.

Comments (1)

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  1. Mikey says:

    wut evar. thats a tru storie.

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