Viewport width =
July 20, 2009 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]



I was just walking up the hill to university the other day, when I found myself panting and puffing, totally out of breath. As I sat down for my fifth cigarette break since the bottom of the hill, I began to think about my health. I quickly lit up a second cigarette to help me think, another to help me relax, and a fourth for my image, then two more to go with my sunglasses, husky voice, and rockin’ mullet.

But I began to wonder: how long could I survive like this? How many times would I be forced to climb this horrible hill, and what awful effects was it having on my quality of life, not to mention my bank account? Why did I keep on running out of cigarettes before I had even got to the top? Goodness knows university is expensive, but what about the physical toll on us? Can we look up from our purses momentarily to see the unhealthiness of the hill? I had had enough. It was taking my energy, my laziness, the painlessness out of my feet, my sleep, and now my cigarettes. But what about my health? How many years was that dumb hill taking from my life?

When I returned home that evening, I began an internet search to find something that might help me achieve a higher state of life quality and health. I found paydirt. The Tony Robbins ‘Get Edgy’ program was only $2750, and would not only help me to get healthy, but get business sharp, lose weight, and actually like myself! Which I kind of did already. But apparently I have all these huge problems in my life that I wasn’t even aware of! Tony has thoughtfully created the Get Edgy program for people like me, who have big hills in the way of their life goals of not walking up any hills.

And I want your help and support, readers! I want—no, I need you! So lets you and me work together on this. You will be outside running and exercising in the lovely Wellington winter to harden up while I will be in here where it’s nice and warm, typing this article and making the exercise regime up for you. No, you don’t have to thank me. But you will be paying me. I need to get lots of money so I can give it to Tony so he can teach me how to get rich quick!

According to Tommy Robinson, a big part of being healthy has, surprisingly, a lot to do with what you put in your body. I didn’t expect that! Toby says you should use a lot of these wierd objects of probably extraplanetary origin called ‘vegetables’ that don’t look anything like actual food. They’re obviously for decorative purposes only; for helping you with self-esteem when posh friends come over. He also recommends a rather bizarre form of torture known to internet-phobes as ‘exercise’, which looks like some type of military combative art. I guess you could possibly use it on people who build lecture theatres on hills.

I was about to do some of these ‘exercises’, but I don’t think my prana is quite ready for that, and it’s really hard to do push-ups with a ciggy in my hand. So I think I should bulk a little, do a little carb-loading, you know? So I’ll start dinner with parched pheasant soaked in jellied yak hoof a la pineapple marinade, scented molerat pudding with cloves floating in a raw, unfermented guinness broth with sheep brains and horse meat sundae for dessert. It’s okay to indulge once in a while, right? Of course it is! Terry told me I could, when I bought his ‘Get Edgy’ program for $2750! Now I just need one called ‘The Super Sharpener’ to supplement my original program for ultimate benefits! It’s only $1800! If something cost me that much it must be telling the truth, right? It comes with a deluxe sharpening sharper, a small vial of Tony’s own sharpness, and, suprisingly, a pencil sharpener. Tony also will sell pencils for US $50 each. I wanted him to send me a few cartons of tax-free ciggies with my pencil, but he said they’re not really part of his program. Must be watching too many conspiracy theories.

‘The Super Sharpener’ combines with the ‘Get Edgy’ program to make a ‘Sharper Edge Of You’ which I think sounds pretty sharp and edgy.

So I’m eating heaps, because I like myself! I’m okay with my body! It looks like you could still do with losing a bit of weight though, I think. You’re obviously not smoking enough. I’ll just have a bite of this crème brulee with golden lemon marzipan, filleted strawberries on a chateau ‘68 sauce with egg dumplings and lashings of wild wasp honey from the mountains of Uzbekistan, squeezed from the supple teat of an amiable grandmother hippo, mellowed in monsoon season when the cusp of Venus befuddled Mars.

Here, you can have a lettuce leaf; I don’t think I’ll be eating much of that. I mean why’s it all green? Yuk. And exactly, please, praytell, por favor, “what” on earth is this thing? A ‘carrot’? It’s fucking ORANGE. I’m not eating that, dude, that thing is probably radioactive if it’s bright orange. It’s just about glowing! Trust me, I’m a scientist. You can go for it, I might try a wee nibble if you’re alive in the morning. I’m not giving you any of my carbs though. I would, but I’ve only really got enough for myself. Now let’s get some vodka!

Now it’s time to look at food groups. The best food groups are Meat Loaf, Bread, Cream, Bananarama, and The Spice Girls. Actually nah, those food groups are all sellouts. Too commercial for me, too mainstream.

Seriously though, the most important food groups are alcohol, KFC, death metal, red, and chips. Of all the nutrients, alcohol and death metal are the two main ones. They definitely have the most uplifting effect on the body, mind, and overall mood. Chips are given at most good dining establishments. Red is in tomato sauce, most pizzas, chewing gum, cookies, lollies, caramel sauce, ice cream and Japanese girls. KFC is down the road and alcohol is right here. No! You can’t have any of mine. Man, I’m so sick of people trying to scam me out of my drinks. Ooooohhhhhhh… … can I have some of yours? Just give me a bit… can you give me a third of what you’ve got? Actually, round it up to half, that’s a bit fairer.

So we see where nutrition fits into the scheme of things. If you want to raise your body to the interdimensional cosmos you need to be eating correctly, so lots of new age KFC for you! Oh, can I have some? Just make sure you don’t eat the wrong food. Eating the wrong food can lead to people annoying you, being overheight, herpes, diarrhoea, impertinence, and death. And apparently being dead is not good for you at all. If you are dead, you should see a doctor.

Now let’s talk about spirituality. What is spirituality all about? Well it’s about being spiritual. What does that mean? Give me some money and I’ll tell you. <$Ka-ching$> OK, I’ll tell you. Just listen to Tony, he’s rich, man, he’s telling the real only truth that’s true. Rich people don’t lie. He wouldn’t be rich if he was a liar! I mean rich in spirit, man, don’t fuck my words round and make me all shallow like you probably are. Man you need some spiritual training if all you think about is money and food, man, get into your astral self.

And stop worrying about money, man! You lot are all worried about your student loans, but since I became spiritual, I’m spending up large! Course related costs, yeah? It’s not a waste, money is an energy! And energy can’t be destroyed, right? So we can spend all we want and never be poor! That is just sciency logic! So start spending, man!

Another reason I got into this whole health thing was that I was often tired. I’m sure you’ve heard of this buzz; when I first heard of it I just thought it was people being lazy, but it turns out some people can be tired, too. I would normally only get tired when I was about to study, or if it was my turn on dishes, or if I ran out of BZP, but nowadays, I’m tired a lot. So I better not do any exercise just yet, it might make me lose the rest of my energy. You do some for me. Transfer the energy to me while I’m asleep. And can you give me a ride down the hill?


About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. VUW Halls Hiking Fees By 50–80% Next Year
  2. The Stats on Gender Disparities at VUW
  3. Issue 25 – Legacy
  4. Canta Wins Bid for Editorial Independence
  5. RA Speaks Out About Victoria University Hall Death
  6. VUW Hall Death: What We Know So Far
  8. New Normal
  9. Come In, The Door’s Open.
  10. Love in the Time of Face Tattoos

Editor's Pick

Uncomfortable places: skin.

:   Where are you from?  My list was always ready: England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, puppy dogs’ tails, a little Spanish, maybe German, and—almost as an afterthought—half Samoan. An unwanted fraction.   But you don’t seem like a Samoan. I thought you were [inser

Do you know how to read? Sign up to our Newsletter!

* indicates required