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August 10, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Productivity taskforce panacea

Two weeks after its inception, Don Brash’s Productivity Taskforce has reached a conclusion.

Speaking to a press conference last Thursday night, Brash said “New Zealanders need to smoke more pure methamphetamine, or ‘P’ to keep up with Aussie productivity levels.

“This may seem like an unconventional response but when I took this position I said there were no limits to what the task force would consider and it would act as ‘a fresh pair of eyes’.”

P, which has been shunned by mainstream drug users, has recently been the subject of many scathing scandals.

Brash said “P was a safer option than many of the other favoured drugs,” motioning towards a graph in his PowerPoint presentation.

“Traditional ‘on the job’ pick-me-ups usually have a negative effect—the sly sip of scotch, the tenacious tinny in the toilet and the palpable pop of a party pill are all depressants.”

Brash then assured the press conference that there was no depression in New Zealand.

“Reb Bull and cocaine have short-term benefits but high street prices which make their use uneconomical,” he said.

Surgeon General Doctor Anita Donaldson said many of the “positive effects” of P had been overlooked.

“Weight loss, increased productivity, reduced need for sleep, increased concentration and focus, are all factors which will help New Zealand workers preform at their best for longer,” she said.

Minister of Economic Development Gerry Brownlee launched what has been dubbed the ‘Kiwi / P me’ campaign.

Unveiling a billboard on the grounds of parliament, Brownlee said “This government came to power on the promise of turning this country around.

“We’ve well and truly flipped this problem right on its arse and turned a black eye to a feather in the cap of New Zealand,” he said.

Health Minister Tony Ryall sung praises about the “slimming” nature of P.

“Not only will we be the most productive nation in the world, but the slimmest. Obesity has been a huge problem here, ya’know,” said Ryall.

Brash took great delight in pointing out that of the budgeted $477,000, the task force only used about $3000 on lunch and a few hits of P.

“Cost-cutting was one of my main emphasises. I even went into a public restroom and took a lightbulb” he beamed.


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The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

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