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September 21, 2009 | by  | in News | [ssba]

Victoria University to open School of Intense Dickery and Infinite Smugness

In an effort to entice more assholes to its otherwise polite and genial campuses, Victoria University is to open a School of Intense Dickery and Infinite Smugness in 2010.

Based on the wildly popular Faculty of Cheating and Screwing Around at Melbourne’s Monash University, the new school will offer classes in a wide range of assholish subjects, from standing up dates to spoiling movies.

Victoria Vice-Chancellor Paddy Wolsh called the decision a huge step in the right direction.

“In fact, huge doesn’t really cover it. It’s massive. Freakin’ massive, and it was all me, babe, all me,” Wolsh said, running his hands through his hair.

“You see that signature granting the School permission to exist—freakin exist—at this university? Yeah, that’s mine, bub. Big Paddy making plans, taking names, and being mega sweet.”

Expressions of interest in the new School have been high among members of the business and public sectors.

Gary Riddle from financial advisors Chip & Chase Ltd said the company was interested in sponsoring a number of senior employees through remedial classes offered by the new School.

“We’ve got a couple of guys who want in on the ‘Swagger Cos Your HUGE Wallet Forces You To’ 100 level class, while some of our number crunches have shown an interest in the ‘Smirk Whenever Someone Inferior Mentions Their Salary’ 300 level paper,” he said.

“I, for one, am looking forward to hearing more about the ‘Wear a Suit to Lunch and Spend the Entire Hour Looking Around to See How Many People Are Checking Out Your Expensive Suit and Awesome Haircut’ 200 level paper. I was born to be Magna cum Laud Me in that one.”

But students spoken to by Salient at Victoria’s Kelburn campus were subdued in their response to the new School.

“I don’t really mind, eh. I’ve already read the complete Harry Potter series, so there’s nothing really important left to spoil,” said history student Haley Winter.

“People are always gonna be dicks, so yeah, not really a huge island on my horizon,” said English major Carl Samuels.

“I don’t live at Weir House, so it really won’t effect me,” design student Marcus North said.

Meanwhile, the decision has been greeted with palpable enthusiasm down at Victoria’s Pipitea campus.

Faculty of Law Director Professor Rowe Wade said he has already held preliminary talks with Vice-Chancellor Wolsh about including classes from the new School in the LLB prescription.

“Students will benefit greatly from the ‘Shit-Eating Grin’ paper,” Wade said. “It’s vitally important for all law students to walk into any room anywhere in the world looking like you’re God’s gift to everything. You may as well forget the bar exam if you can’t pass that one.”

President of the Law Kids Collective Richard Samson said the new classes would offer law students an excellent opportunity to hone their already acute levels of dickishness.

“It’ll help us prepare better for the world outside law school—SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST THERE WERE NO ALIENS IN SIGNS DARTH VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER—and that’s invaluable, really,” said Samson.

“If you’re in the middle of a moot, for example, and your girlfriend calls you, you’ll soon have the tools needed to pick up the phone an say ‘Look, tots, I know you want some Samson sprinkled on yah, but babe, I’m being incredible right now, so go get yourself sexied up and wait for me to crown you.’ It works best with flip phones cos they make a noise when you hang up.”

Nobody from Victoria’s student association VUWSA was available for comment, but a cursory glance at their past years’ performances would suggest they’re hot with excitement.


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