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October 9, 2009 | by  | in Online Only | [ssba]

Salient 00s Dream Team

Sitting around the ‘ol Salient campfire at 4:04am this morning, Editor-in-Waiting Sarah Robson and I got talking about the history of this little publication—in particular, the last decade.

We like to think 2009 has been a great year, but has it been the best year? And if you were to make an all-star Salient team from the 00s, who’d be on it?

Let’s say you had to choose:

– An editor
– A news editor
– A designer
– Two feature writers
– Two unpaid news writers
– A music writer, a film writer, and a theatre writer
– Three columnists
– Two cartoonists

Who’d you choose? Would Appleton edge out Wood? Would Nippert kick Holm in the shins? Would Brunswick kick the Darkoom down the street?

And for comedy’s sake, what wacky VUWSA President would you have this crack team reporting on?


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Kia ora, biography box, kia ora.

Comments (26)

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  1. Jurgen Habermas says:

    That is a tough one (well except for Ng – i’d give that man my first born if it wasn’t already in Juvie).

    Robbie Neilson makes me smile in the void where my heart used to be. Mr Harnden design is ace (not just king, ACE!), there will always be campus hub news for Rarah to write several thousand words about, and I would like to take a ride on the VUWSA yacht so Geoff Haywood is my ‘someone take his booze away before he buys a zeppelin’ VUWSA president.

    As for film, I remember some jackass with an ethnic name tried to defenestrate me in 08 – he said he was a film writer, but he smelt vaguely of gin and regret, his business card was from 07 and he had just crossed out Dave Crapton’s name. So it would have to be Branivan Gnaligamsdfwhatever.

  2. a dick says:

    I remember the film editor last year kept abusing me with pizza and Camus references. That guy had class.

  3. Jemima says:

    Can we have hybrids? An Appleton-Barnett-Robinson-Wood genetic colt beast would be awesome.

    I got more to thinking who the D team was – Salienteers that never should have been. That film guy from last year would totally be there along with most of the 07 goons.

    Then again most kids at uni these days won’t even remember Egarr let alone Burrows.

  4. Gibbon says:

    – An editor: STEVE NICOLL

    – A news editor: STEVE NICOLL

    – A designer: STEVE NICOLL

    – Two feature writers: STEVE NICOLL and STEVE NICOLL

    – Two unpaid news writers: STEVE NICOLL and STEVE NICOLL

    – A music writer, a film writer, and a theatre writer: STEVE NICOLL, STEVE NICOLL, STEVE NICOLL


    – Two cartoonists: STEVE NICOLLx2

  5. Oh man, what a fun game!
    – Editor: An Appleton/Barnett/Robinson combo
    – News editor: Me, duh, but I’m sure Matt Nippert would do an ok job otherwise…
    – Designer: Rory and Ben together!
    – Features: Rarah Sobson… and Bran and Nick
    – Unpaid news: Keith Ng and Nicola Kean
    – Reviewers: Some drunk kids
    – Columns: Brischke and Critical Critic
    – Cartoons: Robbie and Sando (bring back that iceberg)

  6. Papa Smurf says:

    Gibbon, you forget his other cronies: Dave and Nick. The endless circle jerk of syphilis.

  7. Cherie says:

    Tristan Egarr for best editor!

  8. Graeme says:

    can I be the sub-editor?


  9. Jemima says:

    Editor: Appleton
    News Editor: Keith Ng
    Designer: Rory Harden
    Feature writers: Sarah Robson and Matthew Nippert
    News writers: Kean and McQuillan
    Music writer: The Dude from 2006
    Film writer: Bran
    Theatre writer: Eleanor Bishop
    Three columnists: Critical Critic (just edged out Yule Sukmeov), Lemon Cohen and Zuke Casablo (My Eyes Are Bleeding)
    Two cartoonists: ASCII ART and Robbie Neilson

    It might be good to point out that from my limited experience with teh salients a few people seem to drive the mag each year. The best editors have been the people who draw more than ‘The Clique’ to write. The best news editors don’t take their jobs too seriously but they take writing news seriously. The best desginers make Salient their own thing. The best feature writers are left to their own devices to find interesting stories and angles on those stories. And the best columnists are those that swear/make dick jokes the most.

  10. Sando says:

    Man, ascii was tight. Check it if you never saw his run:, but to be fair, he was a reprint. Not a real victoonist.

  11. Mikey says:

    Only if you capitalise, Graeme.

  12. I know I started the self loathing but damn! you didn’t need to continue it, maybe those 14 Auckland University students were right… I hope you get a VSM-related illness. ‘Bran power’ and ‘my eyes are bleeding’ made that magical ‘everyone always likes their first year of ‘ even more swoon worthy.

    Here’s my dream team – Salient/Craccum edition

    Editors: Egarr (he may smell like a Grateful Dead concert but he resurrected Salient and helped bring in the Wood/Sobson duo) and a Stian Overdahl/Alec Huchinson hybrid.
    News Editor: Keith Ng!!!
    Designer: Rory Harnden
    Feature writers: Tania Sawicki Mead and Matthew Nippert
    News writers: Rarah Sobson and Chris Orsky
    Books writer: Samuel Finnemore
    Music writer: pft! neither magazine gets this one – Aaron Hawkins from Critic
    Film writer: Brannavan Gnanalingam (and he’s a great tutor too)
    Theatre writer: Rosabel Tan (sorry Uther and Eleanor, but I wouldn’t have run with her if I didn’t think she had the skills to pay my bills)
    Three columns: ‘My Eyes are Bleeding’, ‘The Revolutionaries’ Guide to Getting Laid’, and ‘Craccum confessions’/’I Never Shook Babies’.
    Two cartoonists: Tim Molloy and Robbie Neilson

  13. Guy says:

    Sarah can I sub? As an example, this article did not have enough pictures of bulldozers.

  14. Brunswick says:

    I think history is working against me here. In the Noughties, I was a Salient cartoonist from ’00 to ’03, sporadically in ’08 and, er, twice in ’09. That covers six years, but not many people here would remember before ’07.

    Gibbon, I still have nightmares like that.

  15. Matt Nippert says:

    Some fellow called Appleton was alright in the editor’s chair – although he was a tetotaller and did hire a scruffy bogan as his deputy who showed up to the job interview with a black eye from a barfight.*

    Brannavan Gnanalingam was perhaps the most eclectic film reviewer I’ve had the pleasure of reading. I’ll never forget (or understand) the review of The Passion of the Christ that was submitted in Latin.

    And the funniest man to grace Salient’s pages this decade was Geoff Brischke. His 2004 crank-calling transcript series should have gotten him an gig on HBO.

    *Disclaimer: I was that scruffy bogan. And yes, I did keep a bottle of whiskey in my bottom drawer – a practice news editors have hopefully followed.

  16. Jackson Wood says:

    I don’t know about the past three News Editors but I kept that tradition alive, Matt. Oh how I kept that tradition alive.

  17. Michael Oliver says:

    Kia ora, crippled liver, kia ora.

  18. Brannavan says:

    I’d love to take credit for the Latin review (especially as it was grammatically perfect), but the author of that mini-masterpiece was one Joe Sheppard. I’m totally with you Matt about the comic genius that was Brischke – any prank column that came after his pirate ship pranks were always just a photocopy.

    I think a dream-team triumvirate of Brischke, Nippert and Chris Elder would rip up Top 5 too.

  19. Matt Nippert says:

    Dangmanit. Where’s my sub-editing fact-checkers when I need them? If I wanted to have my mistakes make it into publication I would have stayed a blogger.

    Credit to Sheppard. He’s wasted in academia. Well, at least I hope he’s wasted. Good times.

    Brannavan’s still alright in my book though.


  20. Graeme says:

    Yeah – good call on Brischke … does “Help Wanted” count as a column? Maybe add Emilie le Strange in there too.

    And the sub-editor/proof-reader would be Max Rashbrooke, despite my pretensions for the post. I did like my games page though – the crossword clues may not have been as great as this year’s, but the grids sure were pretty :-)

    Perhaps one of the problems with a discussion like this is that – even though it’s limited to the current decade – there’s very little institutional knowledge. We’re after a “news editor” even though the position didn’t exist for much of the time!

    And what wacky president would we have this crack team report on? I vote Jeremy – it would have been nice to have someone realise before the middle of the following year that VUWSA’s finances were screwed :-)

  21. The Puzzle Person says:

    I’ll try to up my game next year Graeme XD

  22. Dragons! says:

    Editor – Falcor the luck dragon, because he has the necessary mix of wisdom and kindness

    News ed – Smaug, because he won’t take no bullshit from anyone

    Designer – the Brand Hong Kong dragon, cos it’s sleek

    Feature writers:
    Shen the shapeshifted, since it’d be able to write in any style on any topic
    Hotu-puku the Rotorua taniwha, its ability to gobble anything would be useful when conducting interviews without a dictaphone

    Unpaid news writers:
    Would have to be a Discworld swamp dragon and a Komodo dragon, since anyone else would demand gold.

    Music ed – Puff the magic dragon
    Film ed – Draco (from dragonheart), although you’d have to watch out for his bias in favour of James Bond films
    Theatre ed – Qiulong, since it contradictorily has both horns and no horns, this will help it to understand the more esoteric pieces

    Agony Aunt: Yellow Dragon Spirit, since it favourably hears all petitions
    Welsh Sports Columnist: Y Ddraig Goch
    Drug-addled Comedy Column: Zmey Gorynych. Has three heads and spits fire.

    Additional staff:
    Ljubljana to guard the office from barbarian “heroes”
    And of course Fucanglong as the advertising and sponsorship manager, cos you need someone who’s good with gold and precious jewels.

    I’d have a trio of Beowulf, Saint George and Bilbo as VUWSA pres, so we’d have a decent adversary to fight.

  23. Dragons! says:

    Oh, and for cartoonist, just get robbie to sit in the corner making us look good, we’re too busy arguing about gold, the best ways to chew heroic adventurers and the benefits of VSM to bother drawing anything ourselves.

  24. Meow says:

    Well I think every position should be filled by CATS. And Guy Armstrong can sub.

  25. Adam says:

    Johnny aka Kaimanawa as Editor?

  26. Dangermouse says:

    Editor – Barnett
    News Editor – Ng
    Designer – Elder
    Features – Kean and Nippert
    Unpaid – ?
    Music – ?
    Film – Gbachannalian
    Theatre – Braunstein
    Beer – Miller
    Columnists – Sukmeov, Brischke, ?
    Cartoonists – Neilson, Buist
    President – Hopkinson (was that this century? If not, Kelly).

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