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March 29, 2010 | by  | in Opinion | [ssba]

Ask Candy Badger

Ask Candy Badger

Meet Candy Badger, Salient’s resident advice guru. If you need any help with relationships, flatting, university or anything else, drop her a line at

Dear Candy Badger,

I have a longstanding crush on a really cute girl who works in the same office as me. We get on swell and I would totally ask her on a date, but unfortunately there is one tiny little complication… She has a boyfriend. I’ve never met him, but have reason to believe that he is a major douche. What should I do? Is there any way that I can win her over, get him dumped, and still operate within the bounds of acceptable ethical behavior? Please help me Candy Badger, you’re my only hope! 

Yours in awkwardness,
-The Awkward Office Boy

Dear Mr Boy,
A boyfriend eh. Is he bigger than you? Could you take him in a fight? If so (to the latter, not the former), I think you should totally hit that shit. She probably doesn’t like him anyway. Unless she likes douches. Talking about douches is making my mangina feel weird.

My advice is that you should maybe get a mutual friend to ask her if she likes her boyfriend much, and then perhaps drop hints that someone has a crush. Then she’ll totally dump him and go on a magical quest to find out who it is with the crush. Magical like, Candy Mountain stylez. Then you two will fall in love and have tons of bebes.

OR you could somehow communicate to the boyfriend (possibly the same mutual friend) that this floozy is a tramp who’s been cheating on him so he dumps her, at which point she turns to your strong and masculine arms for comfort.

Either is bound to work.
Fingers crossed for you,


Why is it that I procrastinate so much? I try so hard to do my essays on time, to clean my room, but something always interferes.
How do I become organised? Also, how do I stop spending money I don’t have. 


Dear Help,
Your name is misleading.

Procrastinating is good. I am doing it by being in the Salient office right now when I should be writing my thesis. Before, I had a sleep-in, and then I woke up and went on the internet and checked for the latest news, then I got dressed and came to Salient (didn’t bathe) and then I sat for a while, then I ate a burger, and now I’m writing this column, which I’m procrastinating from by telling you about everything else I did.

What I’m trying to say is, put down Salient and write your FUCKING ESSAYS you lazy shit.
Then clean your room and then come over and clean my room. And stop buying things. Eating is expensive. Stop eating. Or eat a baby.


[Editor’s note: Salient does not endorse the eating of babies.]

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