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March 8, 2010 | by  | in News | [ssba]

The week that wasn’t

The Week That Wasn't

Penile Portrayal Pleasing

Second-year student Michael Hempletine last week discovered the joy of drawing penises in inappropriate places.

Hempletine, a religious studies major, had until last week never drawn a penis at all.

“It was like an epiphany,” said Hempletine.

“I was just sitting there and the thought came to me: why not draw a giant big cock on the desk of MacLaurin 103.

“Luckily I had a blue and a red pen—so I got some really well rendered vein action going on.” 

When asked, religious studies lecturer Joey Balboa told Salient he hadn’t noticed the act of wanton vandalism happening four rows back.

“I was fucking lecturing. What the fuck do I care if some kid with a phallic preoccupation spews forth his unconscious onto the shitty, shitty desks,” said Balboa.

Sally Menk, a fellow student with Hempletine, said she noticed what he was doing but didn’t take too much attention.

“He was muttering to himself and breathing heavily. I tried to ignore him.

“It was when he started saying ‘Cock-cock-cock-cock. COCK!,’ really fast. At this stage I looked over to see what he was doing.

“I don’t know what kind of penises he’s been looking at but I have never seen one like that. And my mother was a hooker,” said Menk.  

Hempletine was unphased by the criticism and is looking to take his newfound pleasure up a level.

“Maybe I’ll scratch a penis onto the lens of one of the projectors so everyone in the class can wallow in my art.”


Current Wellington Mayor Kerry Prendegast is to run for a fourth term in office. When approached by Salient for comment she ran away.

Gettin’ crazy with Ese

Former Salient editor Jackson James Wood has gone insane. Students last saw Wood raving in a quiet corner of the Student Union Building harping on about how “that Sobson bitch was ruining [his] magazine”.

Current Salient Editor Sarah Robson was unsympathetic.

“I don’t want to hear his fucking problems.

“Even after he’s gone he still whines like a little bitch,” said Robson.

Police say Wood is of no danger to the public, although you probably shouldn’t stroke his belly hair no matter how much he pleads.

Tree gets stuck up cat

In a shocking cliché inversion, firefighters were called to Kelburn Parade over the weekend when a tree became stuck up Mrs Wallace, a four-year-old tortoiseshell moggy.

Chief Fire Inspector Alex Wizel said it was one of the most gruesome scenes he had ever attended.

“We’re still not sure how it happened. We can only assume some sort of disturbance in the time/space continuum meshed the matrices of Mrs Wallace and this lovely Magnolia. Beautiful flowers, eh?” said Wizel.

Mrs Wallace’s owner Dhama Eggleston (76) was more reticent about the situation, saying only “There are plenty more where she came from.”


About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

Comments (2)

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  1. Alexander Waters says:

    /vanity post.

  2. Guy says:

    Funny tho. Lol at the term ‘vein action’ .

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